Monday I showed up to work barely recovering from the D and C trauma of Friday. (Side note praise: my pathology from the D and C showed no signs of cancer. Yeah!!) Anyway back to the story that as I write cannot believe this occurred. The HR Director of the new company that bought us was standing by my office. Now anytime the HR Director shows up you know it can't be good. I thought to myself "Well it is either someone on the leadership team or me that will be going." I preface this to say since our company was bought over a month ago there have been many changes in the plant and with personnel.
He continued "Luann there is no use to mincing words, we are going to sever your employment." Shocked it was me I said "Oh OK" "So when is this effective? "Today and I would like you to clean out your things and be out of here this morning." With a little more discussion I was told that they were restructuring my position and I did not fit with the restructure. They needed someone who understood how things were done the .....way. I later learned that the gal who replaced me is early 30's. Hum!
Restructure, don't you love that word? So with a bit of a severance in hand I am now without a job so will begin exploring what God has in store for me. I do know that from a physical stand point I am exhaused. I am really wondering if I never let my body recover from the havic that was inflicted with Chemo, radiation and drugs.
As I had quiet time this morning God gave me this scripture: We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed: we are perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken. 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord is my song today!
Running the Race shocked but with confidence that God knows what he is doing! Luann
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Life Sure is Changing!
About a month ago we took a last minute summer/fall vacation to North Myrtle Beach. As I was walking on the beach I happened to snap the picture that you see as my new blog header. I was totally amazed at the beauty of the quiet moment and how the heavens just opened up. The picture reminded me of how it must have been when Jesus being obedient to His Father in heaven as he was baptized. I could just hear the Father say "This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased."
Then I thought would God say that of His daughter - namely me? My behavior over the past month sure has had its ups and downs. Our business was just sold and there are lots of changes. I am not sure I will ultimately have a job with the new company however I am trying to adapt my attitude towards being a new employee and "learning the new way" as my baby sister advised.
Yesterday I had a D and C. You all know that my veins do not like needles:) Well yesterday before the surgery we brought in all of the top guns! The Dr. who also the Anesthesiologist was frustrated as the "IV Team Nurse" could not even come close to getting an IV started in me. Impatiently he went to find an ultrasound machine to get this IV started as we were running behind schedule. He examined my left arm with this machine. No vein to start this IV in. OK now we are going to the legs. I thought "You have got to be kidding" This ultrasound machine indicated there were no veins to penetrate this IV. Now we are moving to my feet. **Really!) The ultrasound found no veins. So the impatient doc says "Well we are eliminating our choices, it is either your right arm or your jugular." "My neck I exclaimed???" "Yes your neck he replied." So we started my IV via my neck! (It sounds worse than it was).
The surgery results: They removed several polyps. The doctor didn't think any looked cancerous however they are being sent out just to make sure.
When I came too I bit the nurses head off as I asked where is the doctor. She said "She communicated the information to your husband." "To my husband?? He doesn't understand what the doc and I have been talking about!" I replied. Her attitude was "Too bad, it is what it is. You can call that doctor on Monday. She has already gone home!" As I looked at the clock which was almost 5:00 PM I understood why.
So would the King of everything be pleased with me? I am not sure but I know in the end he has control of all!
Running the Race with confidence that God must have had a chuckle yesterday! Luann
Then I thought would God say that of His daughter - namely me? My behavior over the past month sure has had its ups and downs. Our business was just sold and there are lots of changes. I am not sure I will ultimately have a job with the new company however I am trying to adapt my attitude towards being a new employee and "learning the new way" as my baby sister advised.
Yesterday I had a D and C. You all know that my veins do not like needles:) Well yesterday before the surgery we brought in all of the top guns! The Dr. who also the Anesthesiologist was frustrated as the "IV Team Nurse" could not even come close to getting an IV started in me. Impatiently he went to find an ultrasound machine to get this IV started as we were running behind schedule. He examined my left arm with this machine. No vein to start this IV in. OK now we are going to the legs. I thought "You have got to be kidding" This ultrasound machine indicated there were no veins to penetrate this IV. Now we are moving to my feet. **Really!) The ultrasound found no veins. So the impatient doc says "Well we are eliminating our choices, it is either your right arm or your jugular." "My neck I exclaimed???" "Yes your neck he replied." So we started my IV via my neck! (It sounds worse than it was).
The surgery results: They removed several polyps. The doctor didn't think any looked cancerous however they are being sent out just to make sure.
When I came too I bit the nurses head off as I asked where is the doctor. She said "She communicated the information to your husband." "To my husband?? He doesn't understand what the doc and I have been talking about!" I replied. Her attitude was "Too bad, it is what it is. You can call that doctor on Monday. She has already gone home!" As I looked at the clock which was almost 5:00 PM I understood why.
So would the King of everything be pleased with me? I am not sure but I know in the end he has control of all!
Running the Race with confidence that God must have had a chuckle yesterday! Luann
Monday, September 6, 2010
Hey God it is me
God, hello it is me Luann. Yesterday I noticed the weather is changing. Can it be the end to summer is here? 80 degrees during the day and 47 degrees at night, seems like only yesterday this same season was here. Can it be one whole year since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer? My gosh my mind just can't let go of that. So much has happened in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. Good thing I didn't know what the entire picture what the year was going to look like over the previous year. You were pretty smart not to reveal all that was going to happen to me because I probably wouldn't have done what you told me to. I might have chickened out saying this cancer thing is just too big. You in your infinite wisdom gave me just enough for the day. Then that's how you operate anyway.
You know my heart and soul is so different one year later. Mostly what I am overwhelmed with is how I never in a thousand years could have imagined how your kindness, your love and your GRACE would sustain me.
Right now I have tears in my eyes as I am so grateful to you. We actually have been talking about your Grace at church for the last 6 months. I know that is a long time but it takes along time talking about this characteristic of you. Of course you know that. Nothing happens by accident nor is a surprise for you.
What has struck me the most is how your word commands us to speak to what ever mountain is in our way and you will flatten it like a plain. Well I have to say that is exactly what you did for me. You flattened this breast cancer mountain of last year as flat as the desert in Arizona. Yes you did. All I can say is thank you.
But I have a question. Why have you been so good to me? I am not saying it hasn't been hard but my God you are God, Jehovah, creator of the universe you picked me up and carried me like that footprint story I have read so many times through the year.
Actually if I reflect back in my life and if you want to get right down to it, you have always been there through thick and thin. You have showed me you want me to live, you want me to love, you want me to glorify your name. Why? Just because you are God who has found favor with this human being named Luann.
Today I was on my way to one of my favorite stores Stein Mart searching for a bargain. Anyway I was listening to the radio but I actually think this was another God moment. You wanted me to hear this story. For my readers, I hope I can capture it like how I heard it. You know I do have some "senior moments" but I am going to try.
The story began around Thanksgiving Day a few years ago. The weather was cold and nasty as winter weather can be. A woman was driving home. Unbeknown to her, some teenagers had stolen a credit card were on a shopping spree and charged $400+ on this stolen card which was captured by video camera. They also purchased a 20 lb turkey.
As fate would have it, she was directly behind their car when one of the boys threw the turkey out the window which smashed her front car window, struck her in the head and completely destroyed her face beyond recognition. Over the next few years she would have several painful reconstruction surgeries to attempt to put her jaw and face back together. I could not imagine what that felt like but what happened is even more amazing.
I hit the fast forward button to the court room where the teenager and his attorney are pleading his case to the judge. The woman in the story saw the lad for the first time and he saw her. She slowly raised her frail frame and walked over to him. Tears were streaming down her face as she embraced the lad.
With her hands reaching out for his face she hugged him and said "I forgive you, I care about you and your life." She proceeded to request that the judge give the boy not what deserved which was prison but a pardon. The court room could not believe what they were witnessing. This woman's mercy brought tears to the entire court room including the boy and his attorney.
Anyway because of her mercy his boy escaped the penality that was rightly due him but did not have to pay because of grace and mercy. I think you just wanted to show me that you extend your grace to me just because you can and you do. I am still in amazment at this woman's mercy and grace that changed this young man's life.
Anyway a big thank you for that story and the reminder of your grace for me.
Your grace really is sufficient. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't deserve your grace but I sure do thank you for it! You are worthy to be praised! Running the Race with Thanksgiving in my heart. Luann
You know my heart and soul is so different one year later. Mostly what I am overwhelmed with is how I never in a thousand years could have imagined how your kindness, your love and your GRACE would sustain me.
Right now I have tears in my eyes as I am so grateful to you. We actually have been talking about your Grace at church for the last 6 months. I know that is a long time but it takes along time talking about this characteristic of you. Of course you know that. Nothing happens by accident nor is a surprise for you.
What has struck me the most is how your word commands us to speak to what ever mountain is in our way and you will flatten it like a plain. Well I have to say that is exactly what you did for me. You flattened this breast cancer mountain of last year as flat as the desert in Arizona. Yes you did. All I can say is thank you.
But I have a question. Why have you been so good to me? I am not saying it hasn't been hard but my God you are God, Jehovah, creator of the universe you picked me up and carried me like that footprint story I have read so many times through the year.
Actually if I reflect back in my life and if you want to get right down to it, you have always been there through thick and thin. You have showed me you want me to live, you want me to love, you want me to glorify your name. Why? Just because you are God who has found favor with this human being named Luann.
Today I was on my way to one of my favorite stores Stein Mart searching for a bargain. Anyway I was listening to the radio but I actually think this was another God moment. You wanted me to hear this story. For my readers, I hope I can capture it like how I heard it. You know I do have some "senior moments" but I am going to try.
The story began around Thanksgiving Day a few years ago. The weather was cold and nasty as winter weather can be. A woman was driving home. Unbeknown to her, some teenagers had stolen a credit card were on a shopping spree and charged $400+ on this stolen card which was captured by video camera. They also purchased a 20 lb turkey.
As fate would have it, she was directly behind their car when one of the boys threw the turkey out the window which smashed her front car window, struck her in the head and completely destroyed her face beyond recognition. Over the next few years she would have several painful reconstruction surgeries to attempt to put her jaw and face back together. I could not imagine what that felt like but what happened is even more amazing.
I hit the fast forward button to the court room where the teenager and his attorney are pleading his case to the judge. The woman in the story saw the lad for the first time and he saw her. She slowly raised her frail frame and walked over to him. Tears were streaming down her face as she embraced the lad.
With her hands reaching out for his face she hugged him and said "I forgive you, I care about you and your life." She proceeded to request that the judge give the boy not what deserved which was prison but a pardon. The court room could not believe what they were witnessing. This woman's mercy brought tears to the entire court room including the boy and his attorney.
Anyway because of her mercy his boy escaped the penality that was rightly due him but did not have to pay because of grace and mercy. I think you just wanted to show me that you extend your grace to me just because you can and you do. I am still in amazment at this woman's mercy and grace that changed this young man's life.
Anyway a big thank you for that story and the reminder of your grace for me.
Your grace really is sufficient. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't deserve your grace but I sure do thank you for it! You are worthy to be praised! Running the Race with Thanksgiving in my heart. Luann
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Mammogram and Bone Density Today
I am a little apprehensive about going for the Mammogram and Bone Density test today. My gosh I can hardly believe it has been a year since I have the lumpectomy. So many things have occurred since I began this journey I can hardly believe it has just been a year. As I was glancing over FB this morning I ran across a post from a Patients against Lymphoma.
They had a link to Dr Joe Himle who is an associate professor for Psychiatry at the University of Michigan who was talking about Cognitive Therapy.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbit.ly%2FHimle&h=8c0c1
I thought maybe he has something to say for me today so I don't ordinarily take the time to listen but I did this morning. I am glad I did. As he was talking about cognitive therapy this really struck me today. He said that cognitive therapy is not the power of positive thinking but it is telling yourself the truth about the positive things in your life. Depression has a hard time hitting a moving target and most often hits the stationary target. Wow!! I never thought about depression like that!
So in the midst of this uncertainty today I am reminded of how God kept me moving. And according to his word he is not going to leave me or forsake me. These were the things that are the truth for me today.
This is what God allowed me to do to keep moving over the first year and combat the loneliness I so desperately felt during those winter months and still occasionally feel today.
1. I had one person tell me "Luann what ever you do keep filling your thought and minds with Jesus and sent me some cable channels of folks to listen to." I took heed to that advice while I was so alone and isolated during the winter months of last year. This was a great piece of advice.
2. I used Social media to connect with people when I was too tired to even think about moving. I created a blog which really helped. Many of my new friends are still my friends today (wink, wink!)
3. Moving your body when your body is too weak is hard to do. So I began moving with Leslie Samone's two mile walk. After my surgery I just shuffled back and forth for 5 minutes. Anything to keep moving some. Today I am walking every morning up a huge hill at work for about two miles.
4. I have never been interested in journals but I began doing that which also helped.
5. Downloaded some marching music on my IPOD from the Boston Pops Orchestra which is how I get my body moving today.
6. I have been on Femara for one week and am ok. Now this is a real praise! My new oncologist said that when they list the side effects for the Aromatise Inhibitors they are listed by women who have completed chemo therapy. So in truth they do not know if the side effects were caused by chemo or by the drug. Since I had side effects from the chemo i.e. bone aches, hot flashes, a bit of moodiness nothing has changed since I took the drug.
After I made my list of the truth of my situation I am reminded that God is for me and his Grace is enough. So although I am apprehensive about today, I look back on the truth and know that what ever today brings I will be ok.
Have you made your list today of the positive truth in your life?
Running the race with renewed strength! Luann
They had a link to Dr Joe Himle who is an associate professor for Psychiatry at the University of Michigan who was talking about Cognitive Therapy.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbit.ly%2FHimle&h=8c0c1
I thought maybe he has something to say for me today so I don't ordinarily take the time to listen but I did this morning. I am glad I did. As he was talking about cognitive therapy this really struck me today. He said that cognitive therapy is not the power of positive thinking but it is telling yourself the truth about the positive things in your life. Depression has a hard time hitting a moving target and most often hits the stationary target. Wow!! I never thought about depression like that!
So in the midst of this uncertainty today I am reminded of how God kept me moving. And according to his word he is not going to leave me or forsake me. These were the things that are the truth for me today.
This is what God allowed me to do to keep moving over the first year and combat the loneliness I so desperately felt during those winter months and still occasionally feel today.
1. I had one person tell me "Luann what ever you do keep filling your thought and minds with Jesus and sent me some cable channels of folks to listen to." I took heed to that advice while I was so alone and isolated during the winter months of last year. This was a great piece of advice.
2. I used Social media to connect with people when I was too tired to even think about moving. I created a blog which really helped. Many of my new friends are still my friends today (wink, wink!)
3. Moving your body when your body is too weak is hard to do. So I began moving with Leslie Samone's two mile walk. After my surgery I just shuffled back and forth for 5 minutes. Anything to keep moving some. Today I am walking every morning up a huge hill at work for about two miles.
4. I have never been interested in journals but I began doing that which also helped.
5. Downloaded some marching music on my IPOD from the Boston Pops Orchestra which is how I get my body moving today.
6. I have been on Femara for one week and am ok. Now this is a real praise! My new oncologist said that when they list the side effects for the Aromatise Inhibitors they are listed by women who have completed chemo therapy. So in truth they do not know if the side effects were caused by chemo or by the drug. Since I had side effects from the chemo i.e. bone aches, hot flashes, a bit of moodiness nothing has changed since I took the drug.
After I made my list of the truth of my situation I am reminded that God is for me and his Grace is enough. So although I am apprehensive about today, I look back on the truth and know that what ever today brings I will be ok.
Have you made your list today of the positive truth in your life?
Running the race with renewed strength! Luann
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Fog
I took this photo from my front porch yesterday. For a moment the hot summer's day had a collision with a brief but desperate needed rain. Fog rose up from nowhere and hovered the mountain I knew so well. The fog covered the mountain like a blanket of snow which gave the illusion there was no mountain. However the magnificent call of nature could not be denied just because there was fog covering it.
Reflecting over my life the past two weeks were filled with magnificent fun, family, laughter, and a vacation in the splendor of the Smokey Mountains. However slowly a "fog" began to cover my topsy turvey reality of a year with Breast Cancer.
I was asked what I would write about now that my treatment was officially done and I was NED (No Evidence of Disease). I knew one thing for sure, I really didn't want to think about cancer any more. I reasoned if I kept dwelling on this cancer thing it would never go away. My writing (blogging) about my experiences intertwined with the cancer story was something I wanted to escape from never to come back!
It didn't take long for my utopia to be crushed. Friday I went to work after two weeks of vacation. It took less than 8 hours to have my precious energy that was restored be sucked out of me. This is impossible I thought. I have been on vacation almost two weeks and my energy was great. OH that precious energy that we all depend on to keep us going was gone once again.
I encountered an utter mess at work. Our business unit was up for sale again and a nagging uncertainty crept within me. Oh the mind can present itself in a state of lies when you are tired. "Luann, once this business sold you will not have a job. Let's face it, you are just over head. Besides look at your energy. You go on vacation 2 weeks and in one day it is gone. You don't have the energy to keep on top of your game." Everything I knew as "normal" was now gone. My personal life and now my job. I am trying so hard to get thing back to normal but it is just not working.
Today is Sunday. My husband is sick with the flu, my glands are swollen and I am afraid I am going to catch the flu also. I am tired and did not make it to church. Still, in spite of me God still had plans in working this whole thing out. I listed to a preacher from my daughters church Elevation in Charlotte, NC.
He talked about getting paralyzed by past pain which makes us stuck and we can't move forward. We ask ourselves "why" and God "why" which is OK. In fact, Jesus on the cross asked the Father in heaven "Why." The thing is Jesus didn't stay on the cross as he had a purpose for you and me. The preacher went on to say that even though we ask why, we really don't want to know all of the details of "why" but what we are saying is we wish this had not happened to us.
That was it. My reality was I wished Breast Cancer had not happened to me. Although through my journey I learned a great deal which I would not change, I still wish cancer had not happened. I thought if I denied it would go away. Quit writing, quit telling my story and it will all go away. Then I read my dear friend Marie's blog. "http://beyondbreastcancer.wordpress.com/2010/07/11/diana-raab/
I learned that denial is common with many cancer survivors and even the strongest may struggle with this. It was very comforting to know I was not alone.
However, I can't stay in denial because I do have a purpose that can only be done by me. There has been allot of tears shed today but the fog is going away. I am a beautiful creation still being perfected by a God who loves me and yes I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer which forever a part of me. The fog is going away!
Blessings to you today. We have to keep Running the Race before us. No one else can do the race like we can! Luann
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Starting all over again
June 23, I write in my journal. "I saw Dr. M. yesterday. His behavior was not any different than it was before I just don't think he is on top of his game any more as he boosts that he has 30 years of experience. When I arrived for the appointment 15 minutes early which is protocol for every visit, I asked if I was receiving blood work. "No the receptionist replied no blood work was ordered." After waiting in the waiting room 15 minutes I was ushered back to the second waiting room for 10 more minutes and finally ended up in Dr. M's examination room where I waited one hour. (This has become the norm for his office as he only sees patients 2 days in the week.)
Finally he came in and asked me how I was doing. I immediately told him "I don't know no blood work was ordered." "Well we will get some before you leave."
"So are you going to do Arimidex?" "No in my last visit you gave me the list of drugs and told me to research and we would discuss in this visit. I think Femara might be better."
I went on to say that I have been reading about all of my drug choices and they all have awful side effects, however I think this is the lesser of all the evils of these drugs. Anyway I read with this drug and you are suppose to take calcium with it. I have a concern about my bones." He said "You don't need to take calcium with this. Is osteoporosis in your family?" "No" I replied "Well then you don't need calcium." Not believing that I asked well "How about a bone density test? Do I need that so we can get a baseline?" "How long ago did you have one." "Over 10 years ago." "Ok we will order this test." (He never entered that into my chart so it was not ordered)
I went on to say "I heard there is a blood test which can show if the cancer is present in my system." "Yes but it is only 50% accurate but yes we can do it."
Gary asked him "When could we say that I was cancer free?" He quickly replied "Never with Breast Cancer. I will not even say you are in remission."
This was not true as I asked this same question which was a question recommended by the Amercian Cancer Socitey in my first visit with him (and I still have the notes from that visit) He said that I was in remission since there is was no evidence of the cancer in my system after the surgery and there was no activity in my lymph nodes.
He went on to say "Herceptin for a year is the biggest bang for your buck. (I have had 6 months worth) More than chemo and certainly more than radiation because with radiation we don't know who it will work on and who it won't." "Well than why did I do chemo? Because the Herceptin works better with it." I thought "Well how much better? Then again it didn't matter because that was done. Opps just a small point he left out.
I really wanted to get to the bottom line of us working together. "Dr. M I am not sure you and I are a good fit. Your style is very paternalistic. My father treated me the same way. "My way or the highway with little discussion about anything. He did not care how I felt." "Well I suppose you are right, I am the doctor and have been doing this for 30 years. I know what my patients need." "Yes you may but you don't know who Luann is." He didn't say anything. I left his office discouraged and defeated.
Even after this discouraging conversation with the doctor I was afraid to finally say this was enough. As in any relationship it is a two way street. There has to be communicating and understanding. There use to be a post in Good Housekeeping I think called "Can this Marriage be Saved?" Really if you think about it the relationship with the doctor is based on trust and respect. I don't have that anymore.
Now I am asking myself what did I do to contribute to this? In hind site, out of anger and fear of this cancer my back up style turned into an attack mode. The more research I gathered, the more I challenged the status quo. I could not count on him to be up to date on everything that was going on with my type of breast cancer. Maybe it was the way I approached him with my know it all attitude? Possibly. I did write down questions every time. It seemed that the more questions I asked the more defensive he got.
Still there is an emptiness in me. Even though the relationship was adversary it was the "normal" that I knew. Now I have to start all over with a new oncologist. I don't want to make the same mistakes so I am asking you how would you begin again with my new oncologist on July 12th?
A bit discouraged but still Running the Race. Luann
Finally he came in and asked me how I was doing. I immediately told him "I don't know no blood work was ordered." "Well we will get some before you leave."
"So are you going to do Arimidex?" "No in my last visit you gave me the list of drugs and told me to research and we would discuss in this visit. I think Femara might be better."
I went on to say that I have been reading about all of my drug choices and they all have awful side effects, however I think this is the lesser of all the evils of these drugs. Anyway I read with this drug and you are suppose to take calcium with it. I have a concern about my bones." He said "You don't need to take calcium with this. Is osteoporosis in your family?" "No" I replied "Well then you don't need calcium." Not believing that I asked well "How about a bone density test? Do I need that so we can get a baseline?" "How long ago did you have one." "Over 10 years ago." "Ok we will order this test." (He never entered that into my chart so it was not ordered)
I went on to say "I heard there is a blood test which can show if the cancer is present in my system." "Yes but it is only 50% accurate but yes we can do it."
Gary asked him "When could we say that I was cancer free?" He quickly replied "Never with Breast Cancer. I will not even say you are in remission."
This was not true as I asked this same question which was a question recommended by the Amercian Cancer Socitey in my first visit with him (and I still have the notes from that visit) He said that I was in remission since there is was no evidence of the cancer in my system after the surgery and there was no activity in my lymph nodes.
He went on to say "Herceptin for a year is the biggest bang for your buck. (I have had 6 months worth) More than chemo and certainly more than radiation because with radiation we don't know who it will work on and who it won't." "Well than why did I do chemo? Because the Herceptin works better with it." I thought "Well how much better? Then again it didn't matter because that was done. Opps just a small point he left out.
I really wanted to get to the bottom line of us working together. "Dr. M I am not sure you and I are a good fit. Your style is very paternalistic. My father treated me the same way. "My way or the highway with little discussion about anything. He did not care how I felt." "Well I suppose you are right, I am the doctor and have been doing this for 30 years. I know what my patients need." "Yes you may but you don't know who Luann is." He didn't say anything. I left his office discouraged and defeated.
Even after this discouraging conversation with the doctor I was afraid to finally say this was enough. As in any relationship it is a two way street. There has to be communicating and understanding. There use to be a post in Good Housekeeping I think called "Can this Marriage be Saved?" Really if you think about it the relationship with the doctor is based on trust and respect. I don't have that anymore.
Now I am asking myself what did I do to contribute to this? In hind site, out of anger and fear of this cancer my back up style turned into an attack mode. The more research I gathered, the more I challenged the status quo. I could not count on him to be up to date on everything that was going on with my type of breast cancer. Maybe it was the way I approached him with my know it all attitude? Possibly. I did write down questions every time. It seemed that the more questions I asked the more defensive he got.
Still there is an emptiness in me. Even though the relationship was adversary it was the "normal" that I knew. Now I have to start all over with a new oncologist. I don't want to make the same mistakes so I am asking you how would you begin again with my new oncologist on July 12th?
A bit discouraged but still Running the Race. Luann
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Lions and Tigers and Bears OH MY!
Growing up, Thanksgiving Day in our house was full of excitement, chaos, fun, laughter, loud conversations, as we crammed 7 kids, a mom and dad, cousins, grand parents into a house that might have been 1800 SQ feet including the basement in Livonia, Michigan. One time I even remember the turkey catching on fire as we had to wait for the Lions Football Game to finish before we could gather together to give thanks around the meal that my mom prepared. But the best part of the evening was when everyone gathered around our Magnavox TV with a screen that I think was about 23inches to watch The Wizard of Oz.
In her dreams Dorothy finds herself in the beautiful Land of OZ after she gets hit on her head and knocked unconscious with a window during a violent tornado in Kansas. She meets some friends along the way who partner with her to help her get to the Emerald City where a great and powerful Wizard has the answer to get her back home to her beloved Kansas. The Lion, Scare Crow, Tin Man and Dorthy encounter all kinds of obstacles that almost paralyze them into thinking they will not make it to the city as they walk through the dark cold forest. They are sure they are going to encounter "Lions and Tigers and Bears but they keep pushing forward as they know they must reach their goal to meet this mysterious wizard.
Like Dorothy, 10 months ago I got hit on the head with a window - well it was more like a brick as my tornado hit and knocked me out. It almost seems like a dream. "You have breast cancer." Where is the Emerald City for me? The place where I will be safe. I want to go back home to my "normal world." Oh the "Lions and Tigers and Bears" that I keep encountering have stopped me in my feet once again. That yellow brick road to the emerald city is so long! Chemo, my hair falling out, trying to figure out what to eat because nothing tasted right, fatigue, loneliness, radiation.
I am trying to get back home Mr. Wizard. I want to feel normal again. I want to have my brain and energy back. Tuesday I will encounter another choice. Which Aromataise Inhibitor do I need? Is it Femara, Arimidex or Aromasin? The possible side effects? Hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, fatigue, depression, bone pain..the Lions, Tigers and Bears of "what if's" are plaguing me right now.
I know I will get that Emerald City someday. However, like Dorothy when she returned to her home, she had been changed inside so she was not the same Dorothy that left Kansas. She was appreciative of the things in life she once took for granted. Dorothy was in life, not just a by stander.
That is how I feel! I think sometimes we all encounter tornadoes in our life that turn our world around and upside down. We must keep pressing to get to that Emerald City. Things may not be the same as they were before we left home, perhaps they can be better.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation I shall fear no one!"
Running the Race with hope! Luann
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Graduation Day and Commencement Ceremony
I can remember my College Graduation Day like it was yesterday. The year was May of 1992. I am now 55 years old so if you do the math, you know I was no spring chicken when I graduated. You see, I was not your traditional student as I was almost 40 years old when I received my diploma. College actually took me 9 years to complete because I took one course at a time going to night school which was grueling. On top of that I worked full time and tried to be the best mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend I could be. At times I fell short but those are topics for another time. We lived over seas in Mannheim, Germany where I attended the University of Maryland - European division.
The rigorous course work was grueling at times as I tried to push through Accounting, Economics and a plethora of Business courses. The goal of the University was to do everything they could to prepare me, make me strong and make sure I was well rounded to to succeed in life. I must admit that there were many times I was ready to give up but my family and friends kept pushing me to keep going! Reaching into the depth of my soul with all of the strength that I had indeed I kept going.
We got the news that we were being transferred to Iwakuni Japan and I did not complete the paper work on time to be able to walk in the Commencement Ceremony in Germany. I was so disappointed that I paid my dues and was not able to celebrate with my fellow classmates on European soil. I was told I could participate on US soil but not with my classmates. I thought "I don't want to walk with people I don't even know and sank to the realization that my dream to celebrate would be unfilled.
That was not the case! My family and friends saw to it that I would graduate and have the party they thought I deserved so they created a ceremony and party for me. I wore the cap and gown of one of my friends children who was graduating High School as the colors were the same. I had a cake, presents and felt so very proud that I had finally after 9 years completed this lofty goal. Not in the traditional sense by any means but after all I am not what you would call a traditional individual.
You might ask what does graduation have to do with my recent cancer journey? There are actually alot of similarities. Instead of rigorous course work I had rigorous treatments of Chemo and Radiation.
Instead of professors, I had doctors. As a student I challenged the status quo quite often as I did not always accept what I was told. I was the annoying student who always sat in the front seat and attentively listened to what was being presented and was always raising my hand to ask why. I took copious notes. When something did not make sense, I would challenge the status quo asking why or why not and then conduct my own research to see which path I would accept. Sometimes I got an answer that made sense to me and accepted the professors reasoning, other times I did not.
As a patient I am sure I am perceived as annoying. I felt it was my job to take copious notes, always going to "class" with the doctor prepared and with questions I needed answers too. After all Doctors are human too. And yes I challenged the status quo as I began to be a student of learning the course work of cancer.
I think in this vast field of medicine and cancer things are constantly changing and we must be students of learning in this area. The goal of the doctor was to prepare my body to fight this awful invasion of cancer to my body and conquor this disease. However, the method of how we reached this goal did not go without questions.
"Why 6 sessions of chemo, why not 5,4 or 3? Why do I have to take pre-meds with chemo? Why do I have to do 6 weeks of radiation? Why not an accelerated course of 4 or 3 weeks?" Now that was a good question because we were able to cut the 6 weeks to 4 by accelerating the process which brings me to yesterday. Just like getting my degree many times I felt like quiting. My body screamed "Please not another invasion, not another drug! But my family and friends keep pushing me to keep going saying it will be worth it! You must finish!
Yesterday, as I laid on the cold, hard radiation table for the last time I repeated in my mind the same prayer I had through out radiation and chemo course.
"Lord protect what needs to be protected and destroy what needs to be destroyed"
As this was uttered one more time something was different occurred. The invisible beam came on and penetrated my body one more time I could hear the weak but strong buzz of the ray. Then silence. It was finished. I felt God touch my heart to gently say...
"Luann this is done."
The lights came on in the room and I felt an incredible peace that now I could move on. Indeed I had graduated. This part of the journey was done. Moving onto "Graduate School" the course work will be maintenance drugs, follow ups and learning to be in life again. Not sure how this will totally play out, but I ask you who of us really knows that for sure?
"I am done with radiation!" The commencement ceremony was simple. I changed my radiation gown for my street clothes and retired this gown to the trash can!
Talk about celebration! Here is the celebration box that my blogging sister Kim sent me to celebrate the passing of the course work and Graduating! You can follow Kim at Http://kim-living4today.blogspot.com. (Sorry I have still not learned how to insert a link) A huge thank you for this surprise Kim! This was such a great idea!
One thing for sure..I will never be the same again!
Running the Race as a Graduate today. Luann
The rigorous course work was grueling at times as I tried to push through Accounting, Economics and a plethora of Business courses. The goal of the University was to do everything they could to prepare me, make me strong and make sure I was well rounded to to succeed in life. I must admit that there were many times I was ready to give up but my family and friends kept pushing me to keep going! Reaching into the depth of my soul with all of the strength that I had indeed I kept going.
We got the news that we were being transferred to Iwakuni Japan and I did not complete the paper work on time to be able to walk in the Commencement Ceremony in Germany. I was so disappointed that I paid my dues and was not able to celebrate with my fellow classmates on European soil. I was told I could participate on US soil but not with my classmates. I thought "I don't want to walk with people I don't even know and sank to the realization that my dream to celebrate would be unfilled.
That was not the case! My family and friends saw to it that I would graduate and have the party they thought I deserved so they created a ceremony and party for me. I wore the cap and gown of one of my friends children who was graduating High School as the colors were the same. I had a cake, presents and felt so very proud that I had finally after 9 years completed this lofty goal. Not in the traditional sense by any means but after all I am not what you would call a traditional individual.
You might ask what does graduation have to do with my recent cancer journey? There are actually alot of similarities. Instead of rigorous course work I had rigorous treatments of Chemo and Radiation.
Instead of professors, I had doctors. As a student I challenged the status quo quite often as I did not always accept what I was told. I was the annoying student who always sat in the front seat and attentively listened to what was being presented and was always raising my hand to ask why. I took copious notes. When something did not make sense, I would challenge the status quo asking why or why not and then conduct my own research to see which path I would accept. Sometimes I got an answer that made sense to me and accepted the professors reasoning, other times I did not.
As a patient I am sure I am perceived as annoying. I felt it was my job to take copious notes, always going to "class" with the doctor prepared and with questions I needed answers too. After all Doctors are human too. And yes I challenged the status quo as I began to be a student of learning the course work of cancer.
I think in this vast field of medicine and cancer things are constantly changing and we must be students of learning in this area. The goal of the doctor was to prepare my body to fight this awful invasion of cancer to my body and conquor this disease. However, the method of how we reached this goal did not go without questions.
"Why 6 sessions of chemo, why not 5,4 or 3? Why do I have to take pre-meds with chemo? Why do I have to do 6 weeks of radiation? Why not an accelerated course of 4 or 3 weeks?" Now that was a good question because we were able to cut the 6 weeks to 4 by accelerating the process which brings me to yesterday. Just like getting my degree many times I felt like quiting. My body screamed "Please not another invasion, not another drug! But my family and friends keep pushing me to keep going saying it will be worth it! You must finish!
Yesterday, as I laid on the cold, hard radiation table for the last time I repeated in my mind the same prayer I had through out radiation and chemo course.
"Lord protect what needs to be protected and destroy what needs to be destroyed"
As this was uttered one more time something was different occurred. The invisible beam came on and penetrated my body one more time I could hear the weak but strong buzz of the ray. Then silence. It was finished. I felt God touch my heart to gently say...
"Luann this is done."
The lights came on in the room and I felt an incredible peace that now I could move on. Indeed I had graduated. This part of the journey was done. Moving onto "Graduate School" the course work will be maintenance drugs, follow ups and learning to be in life again. Not sure how this will totally play out, but I ask you who of us really knows that for sure?
"I am done with radiation!" The commencement ceremony was simple. I changed my radiation gown for my street clothes and retired this gown to the trash can!
Talk about celebration! Here is the celebration box that my blogging sister Kim sent me to celebrate the passing of the course work and Graduating! You can follow Kim at Http://kim-living4today.blogspot.com. (Sorry I have still not learned how to insert a link) A huge thank you for this surprise Kim! This was such a great idea!
One thing for sure..I will never be the same again!
Running the Race as a Graduate today. Luann
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Going on a God Hunt!
When I was younger, I loved to sing. I can remember at the age of 4 standing at the front door window looking at myself singing my heart out to the whole neighborhood. Music has a way of making my soul happy.
The song "This is the Day" tells us this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The song indicates I have a choice to be happy and look for the little things that God is doing. Hence the title "God Hunt!"
Today is the only day we have if you think about it because tomorrow is promised to no one. This is true whether you have cancer or not. So I am reminded to do something with it today!
You see I have been quite fatigued and find myself having difficulty focusing which I guess is why I have been an absent blog writer for the last few weeks.
God Hunt #1
I can write! So for this 5:00 AM moment I feel like I have a brain so I will write. I am amazed by the mercies I have been afforded over the past weeks!
God Hunt #2
Radiation...I had a total of 20 to begin with. Then I learned that I only had 16. This week I will end radiation on Friday and do the happy dance! The reason for the 16 was to finish the initial treatment. The doctor was not sure I would make it through the 16 without being burned so did not schedule it. Upon examination she was amazed at the fact there was only a slight hint of pink on my breast. I think that has to do with A..prayer of protection, B..Radiation oil from the acupuncture doc for burning and C...Aloe Vera every day from the plant!
God Hunt #2
Relay for Life was amazing! Our plant raised over $2400 which was quite a bit over the original goal of $500! My soul was renewed as I decided to do the survivor walk with a precious lady in our plant who has Lung Cancer. As we walked around the circle of Mars Hill College the reminders of those who have gone on before us indicated by all of the white bags with candles in them was a reminder that life is precious and cancer is an ugly disease that needs to go away!
The End of The Race.. Marshall "Bags" Cancer!
God Hunt #4 - My daughter and her family came up to visit this weekend. The reality of cancer for me has been a year of not really seeing them mostly due to the treatment = low white counts, low red counts, and no energy.
Here is Taylor, Hope and Kennedy. We had a great time this weekend going to Fun Depot but before we played we needed to get the garden in the ground.
As I write this I am thankful for all the blessings I've been afforded! Wishing you a great week! Try going on a God Hunt this week and look for the unexpected things! Little things that show us God is alive and still interested in us!
Running the Race thankful that I have today! Luann
The song "This is the Day" tells us this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The song indicates I have a choice to be happy and look for the little things that God is doing. Hence the title "God Hunt!"
Today is the only day we have if you think about it because tomorrow is promised to no one. This is true whether you have cancer or not. So I am reminded to do something with it today!
You see I have been quite fatigued and find myself having difficulty focusing which I guess is why I have been an absent blog writer for the last few weeks.
God Hunt #1
I can write! So for this 5:00 AM moment I feel like I have a brain so I will write. I am amazed by the mercies I have been afforded over the past weeks!
God Hunt #2
Radiation...I had a total of 20 to begin with. Then I learned that I only had 16. This week I will end radiation on Friday and do the happy dance! The reason for the 16 was to finish the initial treatment. The doctor was not sure I would make it through the 16 without being burned so did not schedule it. Upon examination she was amazed at the fact there was only a slight hint of pink on my breast. I think that has to do with A..prayer of protection, B..Radiation oil from the acupuncture doc for burning and C...Aloe Vera every day from the plant!
God Hunt #2
Relay for Life was amazing! Our plant raised over $2400 which was quite a bit over the original goal of $500! My soul was renewed as I decided to do the survivor walk with a precious lady in our plant who has Lung Cancer. As we walked around the circle of Mars Hill College the reminders of those who have gone on before us indicated by all of the white bags with candles in them was a reminder that life is precious and cancer is an ugly disease that needs to go away!
The End of The Race.. Marshall "Bags" Cancer!
God Hunt #4 - My daughter and her family came up to visit this weekend. The reality of cancer for me has been a year of not really seeing them mostly due to the treatment = low white counts, low red counts, and no energy.
Here is Taylor, Hope and Kennedy. We had a great time this weekend going to Fun Depot but before we played we needed to get the garden in the ground.
As I write this I am thankful for all the blessings I've been afforded! Wishing you a great week! Try going on a God Hunt this week and look for the unexpected things! Little things that show us God is alive and still interested in us!
Running the Race thankful that I have today! Luann
Thursday, May 20, 2010
An Unexpected Surprise
Yesterday, I went in for Radiation treatment number 9 out of what I thought was 20. Entering the treatment room which has become second nature I was greeted by the technician. "Good morning how are you?" I asked "Good and you?" the technician replied. "Well I am doing well! So we are on number 9 out of 20 treatments?" He said "Well no that is not what I have ordered for you. You are only scheduled to have 16 treatments." I perked up even more "Hum, the doc originally told me I needed 15 accelerated treatments and 5 treatments of a boost." "Well you will have to talk with the Doctor about that."
As I laid on the cold table and prayed the prayer I pray every morning "Lord protect what needs to be protected and destroy what needs to be destroyed" I heard the now familiar sound of the click of the big white machine comes on and shoots out an invisible radiation beam to the Breast that once held the cancer tumor. At times feeling the heat I humbly ask for protection. Then thinking back on what the technician said and thought well I wasn't expecting to hear that today. That's an unexpected surprise!
I see the Doc this morning and will ask if this is true. Even if it does turn out that he was wrong I fully believe my main prayer on this journey is answered.
Another prayer I have been praying is that I do not get radiation burn which is common with the type of radiation I am having. Well at the start of the radiation,a dear co-worker gave me a huge Aloe Vera plant that has supplied me with all of the Aloe Vera I could need for a year of radiation for protection against a burn. And so far the area being radiated is only a light, light pink. Another unexpected surprise.
Yesterday one of our employees gave me a hand made mountain scarf from a little retired lady who makes these for people who have lost their hair (which I have and is now trying to grow back, which is an interesting topic for another time :). Another unexpected surprise.
Sometimes on this journey I get so tired. There are certainly peaks and valleys that I would have never thought possible in one life. Every once in awhile an unexpected surprise comes along which gives me a boost to keep running the race.
When I think about my God who gave us the greatest unexpected surprise of all, a love that never fails that just blows my socks away!
What unexpected surprises have you had recently?
Running the Race with gratitude in my heart today! Luann
As I laid on the cold table and prayed the prayer I pray every morning "Lord protect what needs to be protected and destroy what needs to be destroyed" I heard the now familiar sound of the click of the big white machine comes on and shoots out an invisible radiation beam to the Breast that once held the cancer tumor. At times feeling the heat I humbly ask for protection. Then thinking back on what the technician said and thought well I wasn't expecting to hear that today. That's an unexpected surprise!
I see the Doc this morning and will ask if this is true. Even if it does turn out that he was wrong I fully believe my main prayer on this journey is answered.
Another prayer I have been praying is that I do not get radiation burn which is common with the type of radiation I am having. Well at the start of the radiation,a dear co-worker gave me a huge Aloe Vera plant that has supplied me with all of the Aloe Vera I could need for a year of radiation for protection against a burn. And so far the area being radiated is only a light, light pink. Another unexpected surprise.
Yesterday one of our employees gave me a hand made mountain scarf from a little retired lady who makes these for people who have lost their hair (which I have and is now trying to grow back, which is an interesting topic for another time :). Another unexpected surprise.
Sometimes on this journey I get so tired. There are certainly peaks and valleys that I would have never thought possible in one life. Every once in awhile an unexpected surprise comes along which gives me a boost to keep running the race.
When I think about my God who gave us the greatest unexpected surprise of all, a love that never fails that just blows my socks away!
What unexpected surprises have you had recently?
Running the Race with gratitude in my heart today! Luann
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Time is Now for Cancer to Go!
Last Friday two gals that I worked with asked me what I thought about our plant participating in the Marshall Relay for Life. As we sat around the round table in my office I asked them to describe their vision for the event. "I can see a banner with our company name and lots of folks from the plant walking behind it, T-Shirts, you participating, and we need a dinner fund raiser to raise money for the event."
I replied "When is the event?" Matter of fact one gal answered "Next Friday" "Next Friday" I echoed. "Wow that is allot to achieve in a very short period of time!" Inside I was saying "we don't have enough time to get this organized to achieve this goal" but I bit my tongue and just listened. "We really want to do this Luann."
My mind paused for a moment. "They want me to "participate." I have not been able to see me participating at one of the cancer specific events because I don't want any special attention and maybe I don't want to be known as a survivor. After all, I didn't do anything "special" to earn this attention. I just got breast cancer. I ask you what did I do that any other person wouldn't do in my situation? The human spirit inside us all wants to survive. I am not special I thought.
I rejoined the conversation saying "I am not sure if I am going to be able to walk. I start radiation today..in fact I am leaving in a few minutes and don't know how I will feel. They excitedly replied "We will take care of everything Luann, don't you worry." Thus Relay for Life was ignited in our plant.
I always believed that there would come a time when God would lead me to publicly address the plant of 177 employees who had played such an important role in my journey. Now it was my time to give back.
Taking the opportunity to help launch this aggressive endeavour my co-workers initiated I prepared a PowerPoint presentation to educate our folks about cancer. There are many things about cancer that are out of our control, however there are are things we can do to help stamp out cancer!
Yes genetics plays a role in some kinds of cancer but we can control the fact that if we smoke we can quit, if we are couch potatoes, we can move the body more, if we are over weight we can loose weight, if we eat mostly junk, we can eat veggies and fruits, and if we love the sun we can use sunscreen. In the presentation, I put it all on the table with a picture of myself bald along with my story of negligence in keeping up with my mammogram. I made a choice to tell it all.
Yes my time was now. I began the presentation this morning by asking "Who knows someone in your family, relatives, friends who have cancer? Raise your hands. Challenging the group I said "Now look around the room, see how many people with their hand up in the air. Cancer has effected so many folks in this room."
"The Time is now for Cancer to Go." I gave it my all as I nervously talked about all different kinds of Cancer's because it isn't just breast cancer. As I shared the shocking statistics of all kinds of cancers there are, but more importantly challenged the group to think about a small change they could do to have a healthier life. We talked about preventive screening measures which by the way is the responsibility for both men and women to prevent cancer! I shared the fact that I skipped last year's mammogram because I was "too busy." and also admitted that I found the lump a few months before that but didn't do anything because I wanted to go on vacation and not have my family worry. I even thought "Well maybe it will go away!" We know that didn't happen.
The response of my engaged audience was amazing. After the presentation was done and the meeting was over, employee discussion was high with "Oh yea, I really need to do that." "Yep, I am 50 so it is time for that colonoscopy." I thought "If one employee gets a screening and prevents cancer then it will all be worth it for me." Flyer's on how to do a self breast exam disappeared from the table as employees became more educated on how to take care of their bodies.
Today I was blessed as once again I admit my God must increase, I must decrease. As I reflected back on Friday's conversation with my two co-workers and how I wanted to just say no, God had much more in mind! The table for Relay for Life looked beautiful. Lives were enriched because of two employees who said "Yes we can!"
So next Friday I will proudly be attending a Survivor Dinner before the event and I will walk the other survivors and plant. This is a milestone for me to let others contribute to me. Not something that is done naturally for me. Nevertheless I am humbled at how blessed I am today!
Humbly Running the Race, Luann
I replied "When is the event?" Matter of fact one gal answered "Next Friday" "Next Friday" I echoed. "Wow that is allot to achieve in a very short period of time!" Inside I was saying "we don't have enough time to get this organized to achieve this goal" but I bit my tongue and just listened. "We really want to do this Luann."
My mind paused for a moment. "They want me to "participate." I have not been able to see me participating at one of the cancer specific events because I don't want any special attention and maybe I don't want to be known as a survivor. After all, I didn't do anything "special" to earn this attention. I just got breast cancer. I ask you what did I do that any other person wouldn't do in my situation? The human spirit inside us all wants to survive. I am not special I thought.
I rejoined the conversation saying "I am not sure if I am going to be able to walk. I start radiation today..in fact I am leaving in a few minutes and don't know how I will feel. They excitedly replied "We will take care of everything Luann, don't you worry." Thus Relay for Life was ignited in our plant.
I always believed that there would come a time when God would lead me to publicly address the plant of 177 employees who had played such an important role in my journey. Now it was my time to give back.
Taking the opportunity to help launch this aggressive endeavour my co-workers initiated I prepared a PowerPoint presentation to educate our folks about cancer. There are many things about cancer that are out of our control, however there are are things we can do to help stamp out cancer!
Yes genetics plays a role in some kinds of cancer but we can control the fact that if we smoke we can quit, if we are couch potatoes, we can move the body more, if we are over weight we can loose weight, if we eat mostly junk, we can eat veggies and fruits, and if we love the sun we can use sunscreen. In the presentation, I put it all on the table with a picture of myself bald along with my story of negligence in keeping up with my mammogram. I made a choice to tell it all.
Yes my time was now. I began the presentation this morning by asking "Who knows someone in your family, relatives, friends who have cancer? Raise your hands. Challenging the group I said "Now look around the room, see how many people with their hand up in the air. Cancer has effected so many folks in this room."
"The Time is now for Cancer to Go." I gave it my all as I nervously talked about all different kinds of Cancer's because it isn't just breast cancer. As I shared the shocking statistics of all kinds of cancers there are, but more importantly challenged the group to think about a small change they could do to have a healthier life. We talked about preventive screening measures which by the way is the responsibility for both men and women to prevent cancer! I shared the fact that I skipped last year's mammogram because I was "too busy." and also admitted that I found the lump a few months before that but didn't do anything because I wanted to go on vacation and not have my family worry. I even thought "Well maybe it will go away!" We know that didn't happen.
The response of my engaged audience was amazing. After the presentation was done and the meeting was over, employee discussion was high with "Oh yea, I really need to do that." "Yep, I am 50 so it is time for that colonoscopy." I thought "If one employee gets a screening and prevents cancer then it will all be worth it for me." Flyer's on how to do a self breast exam disappeared from the table as employees became more educated on how to take care of their bodies.
Today I was blessed as once again I admit my God must increase, I must decrease. As I reflected back on Friday's conversation with my two co-workers and how I wanted to just say no, God had much more in mind! The table for Relay for Life looked beautiful. Lives were enriched because of two employees who said "Yes we can!"
So next Friday I will proudly be attending a Survivor Dinner before the event and I will walk the other survivors and plant. This is a milestone for me to let others contribute to me. Not something that is done naturally for me. Nevertheless I am humbled at how blessed I am today!
Humbly Running the Race, Luann
Saturday, May 8, 2010
"I am honored to have this tatoo"
The other night I was eating dinner with a friend when a text message popped up on my cell phone from my son Mike. I looked at the picture on the phone and showed my friend. "What is it?" She looked at it and said "I don't know." "Looks like a skull." she replied. Then I read the caption "Just wanted to fore warn you what I did. That is Asher's CT scan I had tattooed." I have to admit I was shocked at the size and the fact that he got the tattoo. The text conversation continued "Had you thought about it long? Mike replied "Yes I always wanted a tattoo but wanted it to be meaningful."Did it hurt?" "No not bad. It is on the outside of my arm. I feel good about it cause it is my little boy and he went through alot and I feel honored to wear it." Asher is almost 2 and had skull reconstruction through the mos of December - February this year.
Asher and his Dad Mike
Asher with his mom Jenny (The size of the photo is due to the down load. Jenny is a woman with huge courage and stamina!)
Asher has a hat too!
Asher today..
Flashbacks of being tattooed for radiation last week haunt my mind. I am beginning to be OK with it. I did not choose my tatoo but I do have a sense of achievement in the meaning of it as I continue to walk though both the peeks and valleys of this journey that we didn't choose, never giving up hope that the treatments are worth it to live.
Just as Asher fought for his little life, I too fight for mine. I am reminded of the Tattoo that is in my heart of a kind and gentle Lord who paid a big price for me by his death on the cross and Resurrection into life so that I can live! I am continually in awe of how provisions have been made for me over and over and how has taken care of me every step of the way. For this I am grateful!
PS I received my first radiation treatment yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated! I will be doing acupuncture with it to help with the fatigue that is a bit of a problem for me. Still I am free!
Free to Run..
Still I am Free to Run the Race Luann
Sunday, May 2, 2010
As The World Turns
I have to admit along time ago I use to watch the soaps "As The World Turns, Days of Our Lives and General Hospital(which was indeed my favorite)." I think the reason soaps were appealing to me was there was never a dull moment. Sometimes the villain would win, sometimes love just found a way, sometimes there was a new birth, sometimes a death. But life went on!
It has been awhile since I last posted. I hate to admit it but I have been really fatigued and overwhelmed with the idea of radiation! Since Chemo has been over for a whopping 5 weeks, my expectations were not to disappoint those whom I work with, in my family, friends and myself. I wanted to bounce back giving everything I did before my body was injected with the poison aimed at killing any trace of cancer that could possibly left in my body.
I reasoned by now I should be "normal again." After all, I would be a slacker if I could not be as functional as I was before I began Chemo. I should be able to carry on working 45 to 50 hours in a week, keep the house clean, prepare healthy meals, exercise, have quiet time, a life outside of work and most important be the wife, mom and Mimi I am. Right? Well the truth is I am not there yet. I have found it hard to focus and have the energy to do more than one thing at a time. Moving towards optimise health but not there yet.
So as my world turns, I will count my blessings one by one and let you know my mammogram was clean which was an answer to prayer. Radiation will be accelerated. This means instead of the standard 6 weeks 5 days a week regimen, I will begin taking radiation probably beginning this week for the next 4 weeks or 20 sessions. I am extremely grateful for this also. This week I got three tattoo's - x marks the spot on where the radiation will be administered. I only had a little melt down. I was reminded by a friend of mine that tatoos were a sign of courage and honor! For that reminder I am greatful!
I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2
Here is a piece of heaven right outside my front door!
Running the race a little slower today! Luann
It has been awhile since I last posted. I hate to admit it but I have been really fatigued and overwhelmed with the idea of radiation! Since Chemo has been over for a whopping 5 weeks, my expectations were not to disappoint those whom I work with, in my family, friends and myself. I wanted to bounce back giving everything I did before my body was injected with the poison aimed at killing any trace of cancer that could possibly left in my body.
I reasoned by now I should be "normal again." After all, I would be a slacker if I could not be as functional as I was before I began Chemo. I should be able to carry on working 45 to 50 hours in a week, keep the house clean, prepare healthy meals, exercise, have quiet time, a life outside of work and most important be the wife, mom and Mimi I am. Right? Well the truth is I am not there yet. I have found it hard to focus and have the energy to do more than one thing at a time. Moving towards optimise health but not there yet.
So as my world turns, I will count my blessings one by one and let you know my mammogram was clean which was an answer to prayer. Radiation will be accelerated. This means instead of the standard 6 weeks 5 days a week regimen, I will begin taking radiation probably beginning this week for the next 4 weeks or 20 sessions. I am extremely grateful for this also. This week I got three tattoo's - x marks the spot on where the radiation will be administered. I only had a little melt down. I was reminded by a friend of mine that tatoos were a sign of courage and honor! For that reminder I am greatful!
I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2
Here is a piece of heaven right outside my front door!
Running the race a little slower today! Luann
Thursday, April 22, 2010
It Is Easy To Give Into Your Fears
In a few hours I will go for my first mammogram for "diagnostic purposes" that my radiologist ordered since I had my surgery to remove the lump from my breast. The surgery which seems like so long ago but actually not!
Flash backs of "You have breast cancer and we need to do a biopsy" still faintly replay in my mind as I get ready for this appointment. So today I can make a choice to give into the fears of the past or stand in the future of hope, wellness and life. I do believe in miracles as I reflect on all that has happened over the past year so am choosing not to entertain the fear but to stand in my faith in the one who made me, who knows me and will be with me today!
This song asks "Who knows what miracles you can achieve if you believe?" What miracles are inside you waiting to pop out?
Running the Race with hope! Luann
Flash backs of "You have breast cancer and we need to do a biopsy" still faintly replay in my mind as I get ready for this appointment. So today I can make a choice to give into the fears of the past or stand in the future of hope, wellness and life. I do believe in miracles as I reflect on all that has happened over the past year so am choosing not to entertain the fear but to stand in my faith in the one who made me, who knows me and will be with me today!
This song asks "Who knows what miracles you can achieve if you believe?" What miracles are inside you waiting to pop out?
Running the Race with hope! Luann
Sunday, April 18, 2010
No IV, No Herceptin
I had dinner on Friday night with a co-worker and as we discussed the days events the discussion was mainly about me. Come with me as I recounted the day to her.
10:30 AM I showed up for a continuation of Herceptin which was also given to me while I had chemo. After three tries the experienced nurses could not get the IV to thread in the rolling veins that I have. Here we go again.
11:00 AM The nurses called the doc. I asked the nurse to also ask about the drug Tykerb which according to my research may be better than Herceptin which is in pill form. 10 minutes later she returned. My doctor said no to the drug because it is a tier three drug and we have not exhaused the use of Herceptin.
I replied "We can't get it in my veins." "Well you do have an alternative of getting the port." Becoming more frustrated by the moment I piped in "I am not getting a port. Stop trying to get me to do that. It is an elective procedure and I am not getting it." The nurse continued "Well we will have you come back on Tuesday so we can try getting the IV in again and then you will meet with your doctor on Wednesday. The only time he can squeeze you in is 1:30 PM." Squeeze me in I thought? "You know what is he going to tell me that you have not told me he said? The way I see it is you just want another co-pay from me and for what? I can talk with him on the phone just as well. And what is going to change with my veins between Friday and Tuesday? Come on! And why can't I have the pill? This makes no sense!" The nurse replied "It is the insurance company who won't let you have it."
12:00 PM I headed back to work and stopped at Secrets of a Dutches for a new scarf. After all I can't get a new do and was not in the mood for a new wig so this was the next best thing. I kept replaying the last few hours in my head. What do you mean I can't have the pill? This is ridiculous!
1:00 PM I arrive at work full of fuel. One of my very good friends and co-worker just happened to stop by. We processed the morning and she said matter of fact, "Well I think you are at a cross road. What are your options? Looks like the veins are not cooperating, you know about this drug, find out why you can't have it or you could get a port."
So I picked my self up and called the insurance company and found out I could have the drug if my doctor prescribed it. I immediately called my doctor's office and talked with the nurse. She told me that I could not have this drug because it was not FDA approved for me as my cancer doesn't fit the criteria. I am not stage 4, my cancer was contained. This I could not believe. "So let me get this straight. Right now there is no trace of cancer in me. I am doing all of this chemo, radiation, herceptin as precautionary measures. We cannot get the needed in so I am not able to finish the Herceptin. And now you tell me my cancer is not bad enough to have the pill as a precautionary measure?" "Yes, the FDA prohibits us from writing the prescription for you."
"What's a girl to do?" I asked my dinner friend. We talked though God in this whole picture. What does God want me to do? "Put a fleece out to Him." She replied. I told her I didn't think we should put fleeces out to God. She said "Well Gideon did three times."
I spent Saturday in prayer and reflection. 4 chemos went fine. IV in the vein on the first try. Chemo 5 was a disaster. (Remember that was the one where there was 9 tries in one arm unsuccessful) Finally,they gave me the chemo in my lumpectomy arm which was an absolute no no from my surgeon. A week later I found myself getting a platelet transfusion. I knew I was not suppose to take that chemo but did anyway. Now I am not suggesting that the IV in the other arm caused this but the 9 tries a few days later confirmed this piece of my treatment was done. Then in the Platelet transfusion they got the needle in the first try which I believe was a provision from God. I guess in a way this was my fleece.
Where am I today? No matter what God loves me. He has been faithful and will continue to be faithful. I try to talk to the Doc about what God is doing and he makes fun of it. I am not trying to be difficult nor disrespectful. Tuesday I have an appointment with the Radiologist so I am just waiting to see what happens there.
Running the Race waiting for God :) Luann
10:30 AM I showed up for a continuation of Herceptin which was also given to me while I had chemo. After three tries the experienced nurses could not get the IV to thread in the rolling veins that I have. Here we go again.
11:00 AM The nurses called the doc. I asked the nurse to also ask about the drug Tykerb which according to my research may be better than Herceptin which is in pill form. 10 minutes later she returned. My doctor said no to the drug because it is a tier three drug and we have not exhaused the use of Herceptin.
I replied "We can't get it in my veins." "Well you do have an alternative of getting the port." Becoming more frustrated by the moment I piped in "I am not getting a port. Stop trying to get me to do that. It is an elective procedure and I am not getting it." The nurse continued "Well we will have you come back on Tuesday so we can try getting the IV in again and then you will meet with your doctor on Wednesday. The only time he can squeeze you in is 1:30 PM." Squeeze me in I thought? "You know what is he going to tell me that you have not told me he said? The way I see it is you just want another co-pay from me and for what? I can talk with him on the phone just as well. And what is going to change with my veins between Friday and Tuesday? Come on! And why can't I have the pill? This makes no sense!" The nurse replied "It is the insurance company who won't let you have it."
12:00 PM I headed back to work and stopped at Secrets of a Dutches for a new scarf. After all I can't get a new do and was not in the mood for a new wig so this was the next best thing. I kept replaying the last few hours in my head. What do you mean I can't have the pill? This is ridiculous!
1:00 PM I arrive at work full of fuel. One of my very good friends and co-worker just happened to stop by. We processed the morning and she said matter of fact, "Well I think you are at a cross road. What are your options? Looks like the veins are not cooperating, you know about this drug, find out why you can't have it or you could get a port."
So I picked my self up and called the insurance company and found out I could have the drug if my doctor prescribed it. I immediately called my doctor's office and talked with the nurse. She told me that I could not have this drug because it was not FDA approved for me as my cancer doesn't fit the criteria. I am not stage 4, my cancer was contained. This I could not believe. "So let me get this straight. Right now there is no trace of cancer in me. I am doing all of this chemo, radiation, herceptin as precautionary measures. We cannot get the needed in so I am not able to finish the Herceptin. And now you tell me my cancer is not bad enough to have the pill as a precautionary measure?" "Yes, the FDA prohibits us from writing the prescription for you."
"What's a girl to do?" I asked my dinner friend. We talked though God in this whole picture. What does God want me to do? "Put a fleece out to Him." She replied. I told her I didn't think we should put fleeces out to God. She said "Well Gideon did three times."
I spent Saturday in prayer and reflection. 4 chemos went fine. IV in the vein on the first try. Chemo 5 was a disaster. (Remember that was the one where there was 9 tries in one arm unsuccessful) Finally,they gave me the chemo in my lumpectomy arm which was an absolute no no from my surgeon. A week later I found myself getting a platelet transfusion. I knew I was not suppose to take that chemo but did anyway. Now I am not suggesting that the IV in the other arm caused this but the 9 tries a few days later confirmed this piece of my treatment was done. Then in the Platelet transfusion they got the needle in the first try which I believe was a provision from God. I guess in a way this was my fleece.
Where am I today? No matter what God loves me. He has been faithful and will continue to be faithful. I try to talk to the Doc about what God is doing and he makes fun of it. I am not trying to be difficult nor disrespectful. Tuesday I have an appointment with the Radiologist so I am just waiting to see what happens there.
Running the Race waiting for God :) Luann
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Let my words be few
Hummm! When I first began the cancer walk journey I felt like there was something coming from the inside that screamed write! Not writing for a profession but as a way to communicate and bring joy to others who might be facing a "challenge in life." Afterall who doesn't have challenges that can be over whelming?
Visiting blogs over the last few months has been beneficial as I meet people via their writing and get to learn about them through their writing. I am beginning to realize writing really is an art as the written word begins to paint a picture on canvas.
In addition I am still learning how to insert hyperlinks which I have not mastered. Can anyone help? Kim has really got me thinking about how I can improve on my writing. http://kim-living4today.blogspot.com/ has a link to a life long writer http://cecmurpheyswritertowriter.blogspot.com/ Today he talks about the number of words we use.
As I contemplate this concept from someone who likes to talk I think about how the promises in the bible where the words are few but powerful.
Proverbs 4:20 - My child pay attention to my words; listen closely to what I say; don't ever forget my words.
John 14:1 - Do not let your heart be troubled
Psalm 30:4- Lord my God I prayed and you healed me.
Matthew 11:28 - Come to me all of you who are tired and have heavy loads and I will give you rest.
Psalms 121:3 - He will not let you be defeated. He who guards you never sleeps.
Keeping it simple today. Running the race Luann
Visiting blogs over the last few months has been beneficial as I meet people via their writing and get to learn about them through their writing. I am beginning to realize writing really is an art as the written word begins to paint a picture on canvas.
In addition I am still learning how to insert hyperlinks which I have not mastered. Can anyone help? Kim has really got me thinking about how I can improve on my writing. http://kim-living4today.blogspot.com/ has a link to a life long writer http://cecmurpheyswritertowriter.blogspot.com/ Today he talks about the number of words we use.
As I contemplate this concept from someone who likes to talk I think about how the promises in the bible where the words are few but powerful.
Proverbs 4:20 - My child pay attention to my words; listen closely to what I say; don't ever forget my words.
John 14:1 - Do not let your heart be troubled
Psalm 30:4- Lord my God I prayed and you healed me.
Matthew 11:28 - Come to me all of you who are tired and have heavy loads and I will give you rest.
Psalms 121:3 - He will not let you be defeated. He who guards you never sleeps.
Keeping it simple today. Running the race Luann
Friday, April 9, 2010
What can make my vains stronger?
I was suppose to go and get a muga scan on Monday. The purpose of this high tech test is to make sure my heart is working properly so that we can continue with the herceptin. Not realizing what I was in for I soon learned this was one of those test that required to be administered via an IV. Feeling like my veins had recovered from the traumatic chemo experience of #5 (9 tries by 5 different nurses brought a net of no chemo) I was sure we would not have any problems. Well so I thought!
I sat down in the "chemo like chair." A very confident nurse thought this was going to be a piece of cake! Stick 1, the needle went in but would not thread in my arm so she proceeded with stick number 2. No luck. "I don't understand that. I can get the needle in it just won't thread" I thought to my self here we go again! She continued "We have a two stick policy so I am going to get my co-worker. You know we rotate this problem and help each other out. Still I was hopeful.
He was a very kind man who had done this for years and was as confident as the nurse that we would get the needle in. He tried stick 3 it is in! I am encouraged, then "Oh no it is not going to thread." Tears began to roll down my face. Stick 4 did the same thing...we are in but no thread.
I was moving up in importance list. Mike was next. He was "the supervisor" who always gets the vain. I told Mike that was my sons name so for sure this was going to work. As hard as he tried sticks 5 and 6 were a repeat of the same. By this time my arm is beginning to be bruised and one hour later we were no closer to getting this test done than when we first started. Very concerned now Mike was contemplating options as the 2nd tech said "We have not had a problem like this in 4 1/2 years! I thought how lucky as I!
Not wanting to continue to hurt me they discussed calling my doc and asking him about doing an Echo cardiogram instead. This test was not as robust as the muga scan and I sarcastically thought to myself probably not as expensive as the Echo cardiogram either and they preceded to consult with my doc. I knew getting an order for the test was not going to be a problem with my doc because of all of the fun we had with my chemo. I was correct, as he gave the permission to administer the echo cardiogram which was administered and I was done 3 hours later.
Can I honestly tell you I am struggling with this whole thing? You see I have an obsession with not invading the body any more than is minimally necessary. The problem is I don't know what is minimal. I have done Herceptin for 5 months and have read research that 6 mos is almost as effective as 12. Is there a point of over kill to the body where the medicine does a reverse on the body? I truly saw that happen with my chemo treatment.
Last night, I got on the Internet which can get me in trouble :) and found there is another drug that is in pill form which is suppose to be more effective than the herceptin so I am thinking of talking to the doctor about that.
So I go back to the fact than when nothing makes sense I will fall back on the one thing that does. My Lord for wisdom and guidance. This is such a long race for sure! Sharing my prayer with you today:
I will praise the Lord because he ADVISES me. Even at night I feel His leading. I keep the Lord before me always. Because he is close by my side I will not be hurt. Psalms 17: V 7-9.
This sure is a long race Lord but I am running it with you! Luann
I sat down in the "chemo like chair." A very confident nurse thought this was going to be a piece of cake! Stick 1, the needle went in but would not thread in my arm so she proceeded with stick number 2. No luck. "I don't understand that. I can get the needle in it just won't thread" I thought to my self here we go again! She continued "We have a two stick policy so I am going to get my co-worker. You know we rotate this problem and help each other out. Still I was hopeful.
He was a very kind man who had done this for years and was as confident as the nurse that we would get the needle in. He tried stick 3 it is in! I am encouraged, then "Oh no it is not going to thread." Tears began to roll down my face. Stick 4 did the same thing...we are in but no thread.
I was moving up in importance list. Mike was next. He was "the supervisor" who always gets the vain. I told Mike that was my sons name so for sure this was going to work. As hard as he tried sticks 5 and 6 were a repeat of the same. By this time my arm is beginning to be bruised and one hour later we were no closer to getting this test done than when we first started. Very concerned now Mike was contemplating options as the 2nd tech said "We have not had a problem like this in 4 1/2 years! I thought how lucky as I!
Not wanting to continue to hurt me they discussed calling my doc and asking him about doing an Echo cardiogram instead. This test was not as robust as the muga scan and I sarcastically thought to myself probably not as expensive as the Echo cardiogram either and they preceded to consult with my doc. I knew getting an order for the test was not going to be a problem with my doc because of all of the fun we had with my chemo. I was correct, as he gave the permission to administer the echo cardiogram which was administered and I was done 3 hours later.
Can I honestly tell you I am struggling with this whole thing? You see I have an obsession with not invading the body any more than is minimally necessary. The problem is I don't know what is minimal. I have done Herceptin for 5 months and have read research that 6 mos is almost as effective as 12. Is there a point of over kill to the body where the medicine does a reverse on the body? I truly saw that happen with my chemo treatment.
Last night, I got on the Internet which can get me in trouble :) and found there is another drug that is in pill form which is suppose to be more effective than the herceptin so I am thinking of talking to the doctor about that.
So I go back to the fact than when nothing makes sense I will fall back on the one thing that does. My Lord for wisdom and guidance. This is such a long race for sure! Sharing my prayer with you today:
I will praise the Lord because he ADVISES me. Even at night I feel His leading. I keep the Lord before me always. Because he is close by my side I will not be hurt. Psalms 17: V 7-9.
This sure is a long race Lord but I am running it with you! Luann
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
"Are we almost there?"
As I was reading a blog from one of my new blog friends today with great interest I pondered the question "Are we almost there?" She was talking about the cancer journey and every time you think you are "almost there" there seems to be one more thing, one more test one more something which reminded me of when I was a child taking a car drive.
You see there were seven kids in our family in which I was the oldest. We had a red station wagon with the back seat facing the front of the car behind us. Our family lived in Madison, Wisconsin and all of the relatives lived in Detroit, Michigan. Twice a year we would pile in that station wagon and head on the long trip (maybe 6 or 8 hours) to our destination. We would no sooner get in the car than someone would ask "Are we there yet?" "No" my mom and dad replied in one voice! "Just sit back and relax!" Relax I thought. Who can relax when you are squished in the middle seat with a sister and brothers arms touching you? Our "home" destination was Detroit, Michigan because that was our real home, not Madison, Wisconsin which was my dad's temporary work assignment. So how does that apply to my spiritual walk?
Relax in the Father's arms I am reminded today and we are almost there. One day we will see our Father in all of his glory as he is driving the car homeward bound. Not our earthly home but our heavenly home. I don't think it matters if you have cancer, some other disease, or no disease. We are all headed for some destination. We encounter others who are on the same journey "touching each other" so we know we are not alone. How we choose to effect one another is our choice. To build up one another or tear one another down is our choice. To encourage or to discourage is our choice. To be in life or to sit on the sidelines and watch life go by is our choice. To accept God's grace or reject it is our choice.
Thank you Lord that I am not home yet. Help me to choose to be an instrument of your Love and Peace today, all day!
Running the race renewed in strength. Luann
You see there were seven kids in our family in which I was the oldest. We had a red station wagon with the back seat facing the front of the car behind us. Our family lived in Madison, Wisconsin and all of the relatives lived in Detroit, Michigan. Twice a year we would pile in that station wagon and head on the long trip (maybe 6 or 8 hours) to our destination. We would no sooner get in the car than someone would ask "Are we there yet?" "No" my mom and dad replied in one voice! "Just sit back and relax!" Relax I thought. Who can relax when you are squished in the middle seat with a sister and brothers arms touching you? Our "home" destination was Detroit, Michigan because that was our real home, not Madison, Wisconsin which was my dad's temporary work assignment. So how does that apply to my spiritual walk?
Relax in the Father's arms I am reminded today and we are almost there. One day we will see our Father in all of his glory as he is driving the car homeward bound. Not our earthly home but our heavenly home. I don't think it matters if you have cancer, some other disease, or no disease. We are all headed for some destination. We encounter others who are on the same journey "touching each other" so we know we are not alone. How we choose to effect one another is our choice. To build up one another or tear one another down is our choice. To encourage or to discourage is our choice. To be in life or to sit on the sidelines and watch life go by is our choice. To accept God's grace or reject it is our choice.
Thank you Lord that I am not home yet. Help me to choose to be an instrument of your Love and Peace today, all day!
Running the race renewed in strength. Luann
Monday, April 5, 2010
2010 Charlotte the big Queen City Celebrating Easter!
I returned yesterday evening extremely tired from a packed weekend of activities with my husband, daughter, son in law and 3 very active granddaughters in Charlotte, NC. The weekend brought a much needed break from the routine I have found myself in. While the entire weekend was full of activity here are some "highlight moments." It is true, kids do say the darnedest things!
Kennedy, my youngest granddaughter who is 4 said to me "Mimi I am not afraid of you being bald any more. Bald is Beautiful! Your hair will grow back."
Later that day Gary and myself took the girls to Concord Mills a mega mall in Charlotte. Kennedy and I were on a mission to "Find Mimi a new scarf" (She led the way into every store we went in saying "Mimi, how about this one?" "No Kennedy that is not going to work." She walked past a store model, stopped and said "Look Mimi that model is bald like you." Moving quickly she preceded to go into a jewelry store and said "Mimi take my picture." Now this photo is a keeper for her future:)
Taylor is the big sister who is 9 took her sisters into Justice Store which is popular with our Tweens. I told each girl they could get something. Taylor immediately saw some bright nail polish she knew she must have. Taylor skillfull talked her sisters into picking another color of nail polish so that they could all trade and paint each nail a different color. Since they were on sale we got bright green, orange, yellow, purple, blue:) Hope who is 6 on the other hand wanted a friendship necklace with a horse on it to give to her friend who loves horses!
It was on to the book store. Taylor is a vivid reader said. "I am so excited to go. There is nothing better than getting a new book!" Oh the experience of a fresh new book!
It was back to the house and Hope read me a story about Grandma Growing a Garden. In the book has a comprehension section that asked her to circle description words for veggies that were in a basket. She circled the word "fuzzy" which was incorrect according to the book. She challenged the answer and said "But Mimi some veggies do have fuzz on them" We discussed this further and we concluded that books can be challenged as long as you have a good argument. Thinking is a good thing!
I was also surprised to meet an actual blogging friend Jesse who is an inspirational runner and had breast cancer survivor 5 years ago. She is a spark of life for sure and we enjoyed exchanging stories of our journey.
What would Easter be without coloring Easter eggs. This is me with Taylor, Hope and Kennedy!
Gary and Hope show off the finished product...
Easter morning was one of the warmest Easter's I can remember. Here the kids are out on the deck with bubbles before we got ready to take pictures and go to church!
/
Every holiday we have a photo session and this Easter was no exception. We will do retakes until we get the picture right!
Three Generations in one Picture
Church this Easter was celebrated at the Time Warner Arena with Elevation Church where we found ourselves worshiping our risen Lord with over 10,000 people which was truly amazing.
We had dinner with Kris's parents and grandma, did an Easter Egg hunt which was a blast! All good things must come to an end so Gary and I packed up our car and headed back to Asheville, Tired with a huge smile on our faces. God is good, all the time God is good. We are blessed!
Running the race a little tired today:) Luann
Kennedy, my youngest granddaughter who is 4 said to me "Mimi I am not afraid of you being bald any more. Bald is Beautiful! Your hair will grow back."
Later that day Gary and myself took the girls to Concord Mills a mega mall in Charlotte. Kennedy and I were on a mission to "Find Mimi a new scarf" (She led the way into every store we went in saying "Mimi, how about this one?" "No Kennedy that is not going to work." She walked past a store model, stopped and said "Look Mimi that model is bald like you." Moving quickly she preceded to go into a jewelry store and said "Mimi take my picture." Now this photo is a keeper for her future:)
Taylor is the big sister who is 9 took her sisters into Justice Store which is popular with our Tweens. I told each girl they could get something. Taylor immediately saw some bright nail polish she knew she must have. Taylor skillfull talked her sisters into picking another color of nail polish so that they could all trade and paint each nail a different color. Since they were on sale we got bright green, orange, yellow, purple, blue:) Hope who is 6 on the other hand wanted a friendship necklace with a horse on it to give to her friend who loves horses!
It was on to the book store. Taylor is a vivid reader said. "I am so excited to go. There is nothing better than getting a new book!" Oh the experience of a fresh new book!
It was back to the house and Hope read me a story about Grandma Growing a Garden. In the book has a comprehension section that asked her to circle description words for veggies that were in a basket. She circled the word "fuzzy" which was incorrect according to the book. She challenged the answer and said "But Mimi some veggies do have fuzz on them" We discussed this further and we concluded that books can be challenged as long as you have a good argument. Thinking is a good thing!
I was also surprised to meet an actual blogging friend Jesse who is an inspirational runner and had breast cancer survivor 5 years ago. She is a spark of life for sure and we enjoyed exchanging stories of our journey.
What would Easter be without coloring Easter eggs. This is me with Taylor, Hope and Kennedy!
Gary and Hope show off the finished product...
Easter morning was one of the warmest Easter's I can remember. Here the kids are out on the deck with bubbles before we got ready to take pictures and go to church!
/
Every holiday we have a photo session and this Easter was no exception. We will do retakes until we get the picture right!
Three Generations in one Picture
Church this Easter was celebrated at the Time Warner Arena with Elevation Church where we found ourselves worshiping our risen Lord with over 10,000 people which was truly amazing.
We had dinner with Kris's parents and grandma, did an Easter Egg hunt which was a blast! All good things must come to an end so Gary and I packed up our car and headed back to Asheville, Tired with a huge smile on our faces. God is good, all the time God is good. We are blessed!
Running the race a little tired today:) Luann
Monday, March 29, 2010
Seasons are a changing!
Currently I am on a weekly report in for blood work to watch my counts. Monday was no different than the last 4 Mondays except that finally my platelet counts approached the normal range of 150. This is a far cry from the 12 about 6 weeks ago and earned me a platelet transfusion and by far my biggest melt down of the journey so far. I am still struggling with a low white count of 2.8 which is up from 2.7 the previous week.
That darn white count! Monday,as I was talking to the nurse about my blood count report I thought I would ask the question of "What do you think about me going to a fantastic Easter service at an arena in downtown Charlotte with about 10,000 people?" She paused as if to say "You have got to be kidding me." In a very quite voice she said is it in doors or outside. "Inside" I replied. "Luann you are at risk that would not be a good idea." That was the answer I thought I was going to get but I thought I would ask. Very deflated, I accepted this statement.
My immune system has been a real challenge and is quite a nuisance if I don't say so. Seems like there are many things you can't do...stay away from the malls, better be careful when you go out to eat...hand sanitizer becomes your new best friend. My immune system has kept me from seeing my my three granddaughters since Christmas. My son and his family live at the opposite end of the US in Seattle Washington so the best we have to see each other is via skype which is pretty neat but still not the same as in person.
Reflecting back over the last 6 months the winter season was cold, dark, snowy and at times very lonely for me. Chemo hit me hard the last round which almost knocked me out of the game. At the same time I have had no other choice but to be still as my body was not cooperating with what my mind wanted to do. God really began to work on my inside and in my heart. As I spent time with Him he began to really show me all of the things that were still mine for the doing. There was purpose for me going through this cancer journey.
Blogging was something I didn't think I could do and yet I tried and it excites me and brings me joy to be able to connect with so many people I would not have connected with otherwise. I wasn't sure how to design the blog and did lots of trial and error to get a finished product which is still work in progress. Before cancer I would have been afraid to try. Not any more!
Growing a garden was also something I didn't think I could do because I knew nothing about gardening. So I talked to everyone who knew anything about gardening and gave it a try. Can you believe we actually ate tomatoes, cucumbers, green peppers, habanerros, watermelon (well we looked at a watermelon want to be)but hey it was fun to try.
So I say all of this to say that spring is finally here. The old is past and the new has come. It is a new season for me. I still have the reminders of cancer that pop up every now and then. This next week is a muga scan, and then we will be pursuing radiation etc.... Even with all of that in front of me I know I am going to make it. Why do I know this? Because I have a God that is walking with me every day and He will carry me through when the going gets tough.
This is a picture of 72 different seeds that have been planted and will grow into plants soon. All it takes is good soil, water, sunshine and some TLC! Spring is indeed here!
Running the race today. Luann
That darn white count! Monday,as I was talking to the nurse about my blood count report I thought I would ask the question of "What do you think about me going to a fantastic Easter service at an arena in downtown Charlotte with about 10,000 people?" She paused as if to say "You have got to be kidding me." In a very quite voice she said is it in doors or outside. "Inside" I replied. "Luann you are at risk that would not be a good idea." That was the answer I thought I was going to get but I thought I would ask. Very deflated, I accepted this statement.
My immune system has been a real challenge and is quite a nuisance if I don't say so. Seems like there are many things you can't do...stay away from the malls, better be careful when you go out to eat...hand sanitizer becomes your new best friend. My immune system has kept me from seeing my my three granddaughters since Christmas. My son and his family live at the opposite end of the US in Seattle Washington so the best we have to see each other is via skype which is pretty neat but still not the same as in person.
Reflecting back over the last 6 months the winter season was cold, dark, snowy and at times very lonely for me. Chemo hit me hard the last round which almost knocked me out of the game. At the same time I have had no other choice but to be still as my body was not cooperating with what my mind wanted to do. God really began to work on my inside and in my heart. As I spent time with Him he began to really show me all of the things that were still mine for the doing. There was purpose for me going through this cancer journey.
Blogging was something I didn't think I could do and yet I tried and it excites me and brings me joy to be able to connect with so many people I would not have connected with otherwise. I wasn't sure how to design the blog and did lots of trial and error to get a finished product which is still work in progress. Before cancer I would have been afraid to try. Not any more!
Growing a garden was also something I didn't think I could do because I knew nothing about gardening. So I talked to everyone who knew anything about gardening and gave it a try. Can you believe we actually ate tomatoes, cucumbers, green peppers, habanerros, watermelon (well we looked at a watermelon want to be)but hey it was fun to try.
So I say all of this to say that spring is finally here. The old is past and the new has come. It is a new season for me. I still have the reminders of cancer that pop up every now and then. This next week is a muga scan, and then we will be pursuing radiation etc.... Even with all of that in front of me I know I am going to make it. Why do I know this? Because I have a God that is walking with me every day and He will carry me through when the going gets tough.
This is a picture of 72 different seeds that have been planted and will grow into plants soon. All it takes is good soil, water, sunshine and some TLC! Spring is indeed here!
Running the race today. Luann
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The attack of cranky people ?
As I progress on this journey through cancer I am amazed at how differently I look at things. This past week was an unusually intense week for alot of reasons. My blood work came back showing a low white blood count, platelet count that was trending upwards, however not fast enough in my mind. In addition I also had the opportunity to interface with many folks who were unusually cranky for various reasons.
Can you imagine that?? Now I know none of you have ever experienced people being cranky, but it is true people can be cranky and at times even say things that under normal circumstances they would not. I am even going to suggest that in the lack of information we can all at some time or another make stuff up in our heads as we skillfully reason we have mastered the art of separating fact from fiction. We can even turn a potentially innocent act into a full blown incident in our minds. Shock, I had this happen to me!
The conversation that I willingly fell into the "Making stuff up trap in my mind" began with an individual who over the past few years I admit has made me crazy at times however is also an individual I have grown to respect. He has given me some very profound insight to business, people which has made a positive impact on how I look at things.
Come with me into "the" conversation. At first, I thought he was kidding but his voice but quickly grew into being more intense by the minute. As the conversation continued I listened and processed what he was saying only to shockingly believing I was being criticized on how I handled a situation that I did not see as a big deal. I tried to explain the whys and hows to what occurred but it didn't matter. We ended the conversation with me saying "OK FINE I will fix it!"
Now my first reaction and let's admit it we all do have reactions when we perceive we are being criticized or attacked for something we in good faith do and there are rare circumstances where we react in a manner that we don't like. I am here to tell you in spite of my most of the time positive attitude, I am no exception.
What happened next in my brain was not good. "What is up with that?" I thought. He just doesn't get it! I continued to mull this over in my head. The more I thought about it the more irritated I got. This was one time I was going to choose to keep nursing the conversation in my head. Certainly it was not the time to willing to disperse it from my thoughts which continued to consume me through out the evening. After all, I wanted to wallow in it just a little while longer.
Well, the next day I was still holding onto that conversation but was beginning to reason with myself "Luann you got to let it go, he was probably in a stressed out mode, and you have got to disburse it and let it go. Does it really matter anyway?" I was somewhat successful at this until the next morning when I was having my quiet time with God. At times I think He must have a sense of humor. After all I couldn't believe how I reacted to this so I can only imagine what He was thinking and I stopped in my tracks as if to hear God say "Luann hold up, I can show you something that is going to help make things a little easier."
You see, over the past few weeks I began studying the book of Ecclesiastes written by Solomon who is known for being a very wise man so check this AHA moment for me out as I read:
"It is better to be criticized by a wise person than to be praised by a fool." and as my reading continued this really hit me "Don't be too right and don't be too wise. Why destroy yourself?" OUCH! OK God I get it as I smiled and thought God you are amazing. Thanks for showing me that! Now I ask you how cool is that we have a God who about you and me in that way?
Running the race today with just a little more wisdom than I had yesterday. Have a wonderful day. Luann
Can you imagine that?? Now I know none of you have ever experienced people being cranky, but it is true people can be cranky and at times even say things that under normal circumstances they would not. I am even going to suggest that in the lack of information we can all at some time or another make stuff up in our heads as we skillfully reason we have mastered the art of separating fact from fiction. We can even turn a potentially innocent act into a full blown incident in our minds. Shock, I had this happen to me!
The conversation that I willingly fell into the "Making stuff up trap in my mind" began with an individual who over the past few years I admit has made me crazy at times however is also an individual I have grown to respect. He has given me some very profound insight to business, people which has made a positive impact on how I look at things.
Come with me into "the" conversation. At first, I thought he was kidding but his voice but quickly grew into being more intense by the minute. As the conversation continued I listened and processed what he was saying only to shockingly believing I was being criticized on how I handled a situation that I did not see as a big deal. I tried to explain the whys and hows to what occurred but it didn't matter. We ended the conversation with me saying "OK FINE I will fix it!"
Now my first reaction and let's admit it we all do have reactions when we perceive we are being criticized or attacked for something we in good faith do and there are rare circumstances where we react in a manner that we don't like. I am here to tell you in spite of my most of the time positive attitude, I am no exception.
What happened next in my brain was not good. "What is up with that?" I thought. He just doesn't get it! I continued to mull this over in my head. The more I thought about it the more irritated I got. This was one time I was going to choose to keep nursing the conversation in my head. Certainly it was not the time to willing to disperse it from my thoughts which continued to consume me through out the evening. After all, I wanted to wallow in it just a little while longer.
Well, the next day I was still holding onto that conversation but was beginning to reason with myself "Luann you got to let it go, he was probably in a stressed out mode, and you have got to disburse it and let it go. Does it really matter anyway?" I was somewhat successful at this until the next morning when I was having my quiet time with God. At times I think He must have a sense of humor. After all I couldn't believe how I reacted to this so I can only imagine what He was thinking and I stopped in my tracks as if to hear God say "Luann hold up, I can show you something that is going to help make things a little easier."
You see, over the past few weeks I began studying the book of Ecclesiastes written by Solomon who is known for being a very wise man so check this AHA moment for me out as I read:
"It is better to be criticized by a wise person than to be praised by a fool." and as my reading continued this really hit me "Don't be too right and don't be too wise. Why destroy yourself?" OUCH! OK God I get it as I smiled and thought God you are amazing. Thanks for showing me that! Now I ask you how cool is that we have a God who about you and me in that way?
Running the race today with just a little more wisdom than I had yesterday. Have a wonderful day. Luann
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A visit with the Dutches
I left the doctors office after my last chemo appointment with one goal in mind. It was time to celebrate this historic moment in my recent life with a new wig! Yes you read that right with a new wig. It was time for a "new look!" It was time for a change!
Oh but was I ready for the change that was about to take place via the little lady who is the Dutches and owner of The Secrets of a Dutches. http://www.secretsofaduchess.com The spring in my step was evident as I was on a mission for the new and improved version of me. Maybe I would go a little darker with a spunky style? Hum, I am just not sure!
The Dutches greeted me with her usual bigger than life greeting. "Hello Darling" "Hello" I replied. With high energy I continued. "I am celebrating the end of chemo and I need a new wig - you know a new look!" As we began trying on the latest and greatest styles we talked. You see my work requires me to wear a hair net to go on the shop floor since we make medical packaging. The more the Dutches and I talked about this requirement I began to see my idea of a long wig was definitely out because it wouldn't fit in the hair net. I really needed something that would fit under the hair net.
The Dutches said in her lovely English accent "Wait a minute darling I've got something new and it is reasonably priced." She returned with a pink head scarf. "Well, that isn't what I was exactly thinking I thought" "Oh darling lets just try." I thought to myself..this is letting too much show. People will know I don't have hair. She could see my puzzled look when I said "Well I am not sure" and went on to ask me point blank "Do you have any pictures of you bald?" "One picture I replied" Then she really got in my business:) "Well really you should have your children and grandchildren see the picture so that they will remember all that you have been through."
What?? I thought she doesn't know Kennedy my 4 year old granddaughter who became very upset when she sees her Mimi without hair. Well, I did not get my wig that day but got much more. I really started pondering for the rest of the week what the Dutches had said.
What exactly did that wig mean to me anyway? Safety, security, I wouldn't make people uncomfortable with who I was? Heck I didn't know!
Saturday came and our leadership team was to have a strategic planning meeting. As the HR Manager much of my job is to do that "People thing" that many people don't like. One of the problems that many organizations have is people being transparent. Ours was no exception. I had been bugged all week by what the Dutches said about being bald. I wondered if the Dutches was right. I preach being transparent, but was I?
So on Saturday I took a huge leap of faith and thought "Luann as a leader in this facility transparency begins with you." By golly, I really am going to wear the pink scarf my daughter gave me for Christmas to that meeting. For one second I was not sure that I could do this but too late my wig was at home! Bravely marched in to the meeting with my sweater, jeans, tennis shoes and Du rag on.
"Good morning! Gulp... It is Saturday and I don't wear wigs on Saturday. I quickly continued, one of the things we need to do for our employees on the floor is be more transparent. So I am letting transparency begin with me. What you see is what you get."
I left that meeting so liberated that I went back to the Dutches and purchased that Pink Scarf she suggested. Then I asked the gal who helped me get the scarf if she would take a picture of me bald. So here I am today.
You must listen to this song called "Turn Up The Music, Turn it up Loud" by Point of Grace. (Cut and Paste the link)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7HFk6flUOQ
Lerning something new every day as I keep Running the Race. May you be brave try a little transparency this week Luann
Oh but was I ready for the change that was about to take place via the little lady who is the Dutches and owner of The Secrets of a Dutches. http://www.secretsofaduchess.com The spring in my step was evident as I was on a mission for the new and improved version of me. Maybe I would go a little darker with a spunky style? Hum, I am just not sure!
The Dutches greeted me with her usual bigger than life greeting. "Hello Darling" "Hello" I replied. With high energy I continued. "I am celebrating the end of chemo and I need a new wig - you know a new look!" As we began trying on the latest and greatest styles we talked. You see my work requires me to wear a hair net to go on the shop floor since we make medical packaging. The more the Dutches and I talked about this requirement I began to see my idea of a long wig was definitely out because it wouldn't fit in the hair net. I really needed something that would fit under the hair net.
The Dutches said in her lovely English accent "Wait a minute darling I've got something new and it is reasonably priced." She returned with a pink head scarf. "Well, that isn't what I was exactly thinking I thought" "Oh darling lets just try." I thought to myself..this is letting too much show. People will know I don't have hair. She could see my puzzled look when I said "Well I am not sure" and went on to ask me point blank "Do you have any pictures of you bald?" "One picture I replied" Then she really got in my business:) "Well really you should have your children and grandchildren see the picture so that they will remember all that you have been through."
What?? I thought she doesn't know Kennedy my 4 year old granddaughter who became very upset when she sees her Mimi without hair. Well, I did not get my wig that day but got much more. I really started pondering for the rest of the week what the Dutches had said.
What exactly did that wig mean to me anyway? Safety, security, I wouldn't make people uncomfortable with who I was? Heck I didn't know!
Saturday came and our leadership team was to have a strategic planning meeting. As the HR Manager much of my job is to do that "People thing" that many people don't like. One of the problems that many organizations have is people being transparent. Ours was no exception. I had been bugged all week by what the Dutches said about being bald. I wondered if the Dutches was right. I preach being transparent, but was I?
So on Saturday I took a huge leap of faith and thought "Luann as a leader in this facility transparency begins with you." By golly, I really am going to wear the pink scarf my daughter gave me for Christmas to that meeting. For one second I was not sure that I could do this but too late my wig was at home! Bravely marched in to the meeting with my sweater, jeans, tennis shoes and Du rag on.
"Good morning! Gulp... It is Saturday and I don't wear wigs on Saturday. I quickly continued, one of the things we need to do for our employees on the floor is be more transparent. So I am letting transparency begin with me. What you see is what you get."
I left that meeting so liberated that I went back to the Dutches and purchased that Pink Scarf she suggested. Then I asked the gal who helped me get the scarf if she would take a picture of me bald. So here I am today.
You must listen to this song called "Turn Up The Music, Turn it up Loud" by Point of Grace. (Cut and Paste the link)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7HFk6flUOQ
Lerning something new every day as I keep Running the Race. May you be brave try a little transparency this week Luann
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Doc says no more chemo!
This past Thursday I had a visit with my Oncologist. Gary my husband accompanied me on this all important appointment as this was going to be my last chemo appointment according to my brain. Why might I think that? As you recall, the month of February my chemo was postponed due to not being able to find a vain - 9 times, Chemo was done in my lumpectomy arm,dangerously low platelet counts - 12 (Normal is 150-300) and a platelet transfusion. I felt as if my body was saying no more please...
We approach the front desk and the gal says "Hi Luann" I joke back "Guess when you know my name that means I am a regular..and this is not exactly the place you want to be known as a regular hey?" She smiles back and hands me the routine paper work. I am all prayed up so I know this visit is going to go well.
We sat down and immediately an older man begins to tell us about his Colon cancer that occurred a year after his wife died. He continued to say in a matter of fact voice. "Yes I really didn't know why I was going through the chemo without her and I really thought about committing suicide. Have you ever thought of committing suicide?" the man asked "No with eyes wide open I replied." He said well I thought about all the ways suicide is committed and then realized there are too many things that could go wrong and it would be my luck I would end up like a vegetable so I decided against it." I said well I believe everyone has a purpose in life and that also means you.
"Luann Chevalier come on back." We proceed to the "Purple Room which was all too familiar to me. Mary the lab tech also knows me by name and takes the routine blood and tells me to sit back down. We are finally invited back to the Doctors office only to wait about an hour.
Gary and I got tired of killing time waiting for the doc so I jokingly said "Hey lets get a picture of my last Chemo in the doctors office. Gary took me up on it and snapped this picture. Can you believe this was the same room I began my journey over 5 mos ago? Now how ironic is that?
Knock, Knock, Knock "Come in" I replied as I thought well now who could that be, DA!" In comes the doc. He looks at the platelet report which revealed and my platelet count was 42. He and I do a double take. "That can't be, last week it was 41" I piped in. He precedes to tell me that I had a blood transfusion, no I corrected him it was a platelet transfusion. (Now my confidence in him is souring through the sky) He opens the door and quickly asks for a retest of the blood work which shows no change. Finally he says "I think you are a little "sensitive" to the carboplatnam." I thought A little sensitive? How about a lot sensitive! He continues "It has been over a month since your last chemo and we still can't treat you.
How about if we "skip" Chemo 6. I calmly replied "Well you won't hear any argument from me" and inside I was doing the happy dance.
However, there's that word "However" we need to continue on the Herceptin and talk about starting Radiation and then there will be drugs after that. Yes I hear you. As I am a research nut, I had a question about this Herceptin. "Doc can't that cause heart damage?" Well...he replied. I continued "You know Doc I have been on this for oh about 5 mos and I believe we don't have a baseline of my heart and I think we are suppose to have it." "That is not possible we always get this done before we begin any treatment" as he intensely scans the computer to prove this was done as I silently roll my eyes looking at Gary I shake my head "No I don't think so Doc. Maybe I am wrong but" defeated he says "So it looks like we didn't get a baseline, so we will have to get this done." I calmly reply "Doc, no more herceptin until I have this baseline." He agrees.
A quick exam and we are happily ready to leave but not before we had several more appointments set up...Oh the life of a Cancer Patient!
So the lesson in the story? God knows just how much we can take and promises we will not be given more than we can handle. This was just the provision I gratefully needed to keep running the race! Luann
To Be continued....A visit to the "Dutches".
We approach the front desk and the gal says "Hi Luann" I joke back "Guess when you know my name that means I am a regular..and this is not exactly the place you want to be known as a regular hey?" She smiles back and hands me the routine paper work. I am all prayed up so I know this visit is going to go well.
We sat down and immediately an older man begins to tell us about his Colon cancer that occurred a year after his wife died. He continued to say in a matter of fact voice. "Yes I really didn't know why I was going through the chemo without her and I really thought about committing suicide. Have you ever thought of committing suicide?" the man asked "No with eyes wide open I replied." He said well I thought about all the ways suicide is committed and then realized there are too many things that could go wrong and it would be my luck I would end up like a vegetable so I decided against it." I said well I believe everyone has a purpose in life and that also means you.
"Luann Chevalier come on back." We proceed to the "Purple Room which was all too familiar to me. Mary the lab tech also knows me by name and takes the routine blood and tells me to sit back down. We are finally invited back to the Doctors office only to wait about an hour.
Gary and I got tired of killing time waiting for the doc so I jokingly said "Hey lets get a picture of my last Chemo in the doctors office. Gary took me up on it and snapped this picture. Can you believe this was the same room I began my journey over 5 mos ago? Now how ironic is that?
Knock, Knock, Knock "Come in" I replied as I thought well now who could that be, DA!" In comes the doc. He looks at the platelet report which revealed and my platelet count was 42. He and I do a double take. "That can't be, last week it was 41" I piped in. He precedes to tell me that I had a blood transfusion, no I corrected him it was a platelet transfusion. (Now my confidence in him is souring through the sky) He opens the door and quickly asks for a retest of the blood work which shows no change. Finally he says "I think you are a little "sensitive" to the carboplatnam." I thought A little sensitive? How about a lot sensitive! He continues "It has been over a month since your last chemo and we still can't treat you.
How about if we "skip" Chemo 6. I calmly replied "Well you won't hear any argument from me" and inside I was doing the happy dance.
However, there's that word "However" we need to continue on the Herceptin and talk about starting Radiation and then there will be drugs after that. Yes I hear you. As I am a research nut, I had a question about this Herceptin. "Doc can't that cause heart damage?" Well...he replied. I continued "You know Doc I have been on this for oh about 5 mos and I believe we don't have a baseline of my heart and I think we are suppose to have it." "That is not possible we always get this done before we begin any treatment" as he intensely scans the computer to prove this was done as I silently roll my eyes looking at Gary I shake my head "No I don't think so Doc. Maybe I am wrong but" defeated he says "So it looks like we didn't get a baseline, so we will have to get this done." I calmly reply "Doc, no more herceptin until I have this baseline." He agrees.
A quick exam and we are happily ready to leave but not before we had several more appointments set up...Oh the life of a Cancer Patient!
So the lesson in the story? God knows just how much we can take and promises we will not be given more than we can handle. This was just the provision I gratefully needed to keep running the race! Luann
To Be continued....A visit to the "Dutches".
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Red light, Green Light
Do you remember the game Red Light Green Light? To go or not to go? I often go to God and ask Do I or Don't I do something. Well Monday was a Red Light, Green Light day.
It was early morning and I had just arrived at work. I usually don't answer my cell phone but for some reason I did. "Hello this is Julie from the church" in a very up beat voice and asked if Gary and I were going to attend a function that was going on at church. I told her "No, my husband who lives in Charlotte and me up here in Asheville...it is a long story, however he would not be coming up this weekend so we couldn't come to the event." We continued to talk. She said maybe we had met? I told her I wasn't sure as I had been attending on or off since I was "sorta going through chemotherapy" and then said "No I haven't sorta been going through it, I have been going through it."
Julie shouted in an exciting voice "Luann...I have been praying for you for about a month." Then she began to tell me about her friend Ginger who was just diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and was having a very serious 10 hour surgery on Thursday.
For the past month I have been trying to figure out how I can give back to this world as so many people had been so kind to me on this unplanned journey of cancer so I asked Julie if I could have her number and I would call her because I did understand what it was like to have cancer.
Well, I hemmed and hawed the next day asking myself "What would Ginger think if I called her? She might think I was trying to butt into her business and not appreciate that fact that I was calling her trying to talk myself out of it."
However I stopped and consulted with the boss - God and tried to get Him to give me the red light to not call. However I didn't get the "red light" but got a definite "green light" to call Ginger. Then I thought "after all who doesn't want us to encourage each other?" No names mentioned here however I bet you can read through the lines :)
Anyway I called Ginger and what a blessing she was to me! We immediately clicked as we were now in the not too popular sisterhood of cancer together. What a spirit Ginger has and the energy which was contagious. She said "I am putting my kicking boots on against that devil!" Ginger is passing out 20 CDs of Holly Wagner's "Healed" on the floor of the hospital. The CD talks about how God worked in Holly's life through her breast cancer journey 5 years ago. This was a powerful CD for me to listen to as I began the walk. "Holly Wagner is coming to our church in September." Ginger said "No Way" I replied "Yes Way..I saw it on the church website. Awesome! "Ginger how about us sitting at the same table together." So we have a date Sept. 28 for the Women's Conference. (Anyone else want to join us?)
Ginger has prayed over all of the CD's and is believing that God is going to use them to bring about his purpose in the lives of those she touches with this CD. Wow I thought, now she has got things going!
We continued to talk and laugh like we had known each other for a long time. So..
The next time you face a Red Light, Green Light situation ask and listen to God. You might have a blessing waiting for you around that corner.
P.S. Please keep Ginger and her husband in your prayers.
Running the Race Luann
It was early morning and I had just arrived at work. I usually don't answer my cell phone but for some reason I did. "Hello this is Julie from the church" in a very up beat voice and asked if Gary and I were going to attend a function that was going on at church. I told her "No, my husband who lives in Charlotte and me up here in Asheville...it is a long story, however he would not be coming up this weekend so we couldn't come to the event." We continued to talk. She said maybe we had met? I told her I wasn't sure as I had been attending on or off since I was "sorta going through chemotherapy" and then said "No I haven't sorta been going through it, I have been going through it."
Julie shouted in an exciting voice "Luann...I have been praying for you for about a month." Then she began to tell me about her friend Ginger who was just diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and was having a very serious 10 hour surgery on Thursday.
For the past month I have been trying to figure out how I can give back to this world as so many people had been so kind to me on this unplanned journey of cancer so I asked Julie if I could have her number and I would call her because I did understand what it was like to have cancer.
Well, I hemmed and hawed the next day asking myself "What would Ginger think if I called her? She might think I was trying to butt into her business and not appreciate that fact that I was calling her trying to talk myself out of it."
However I stopped and consulted with the boss - God and tried to get Him to give me the red light to not call. However I didn't get the "red light" but got a definite "green light" to call Ginger. Then I thought "after all who doesn't want us to encourage each other?" No names mentioned here however I bet you can read through the lines :)
Anyway I called Ginger and what a blessing she was to me! We immediately clicked as we were now in the not too popular sisterhood of cancer together. What a spirit Ginger has and the energy which was contagious. She said "I am putting my kicking boots on against that devil!" Ginger is passing out 20 CDs of Holly Wagner's "Healed" on the floor of the hospital. The CD talks about how God worked in Holly's life through her breast cancer journey 5 years ago. This was a powerful CD for me to listen to as I began the walk. "Holly Wagner is coming to our church in September." Ginger said "No Way" I replied "Yes Way..I saw it on the church website. Awesome! "Ginger how about us sitting at the same table together." So we have a date Sept. 28 for the Women's Conference. (Anyone else want to join us?)
Ginger has prayed over all of the CD's and is believing that God is going to use them to bring about his purpose in the lives of those she touches with this CD. Wow I thought, now she has got things going!
We continued to talk and laugh like we had known each other for a long time. So..
The next time you face a Red Light, Green Light situation ask and listen to God. You might have a blessing waiting for you around that corner.
P.S. Please keep Ginger and her husband in your prayers.
Running the Race Luann
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