I began to regain my strength and actually worked Monday through Friday of this week. I even felt well enough to do a few days of my CD Walking two miles inside. No significant issues at work.. just visit from corporate :) normal HR issues..life is good.
My internal self was far from "normal"..by whose definition I am not sure:) As I reflected and relived my chemo experience last week, I wondered if my body was truly rebelling and there was actually an adverse impact from the chemo the way my body responded or if I were wining because it was such an awful experience. Was God telling me enough on Thursday when there were 9 threads to start the chemo from 5 competent nurses? And yet I went back for more on Monday and then we had the fascicle of doing the chemo in the other arm. Was I even suppose to do that? Guess I will never know for sure.
This past Friday I went and had my blood work done. Fully expecting to have positive results because of how much energy I had during the week I was wrong. My White Blood count (immune system) was a 7.6 - Normal Range 4.8 - 10.8. Yes...Good! Red Blood Count - mine was 2.4, normal 4.2 to 5.4, and my blood platelets were 31, normal is 140-400. The platelet count which is effected by the bone marrow is at the lowest level I have been. This weekend I noticed I am beginning to bruise in places where I have not bruised before and am extremely tired..Yea for the weekend! If things don't perk up I could be facing a blood transfusion.
In the midst of this I met a wonderful cancer survivor and owner of the website Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer. http://beyondbreastcancer.wordpress.com/ She is a 5year breast cancer survivor. I want to share what she sent me. From my perspective my inner pilot is my Lord.
"Each of us has an inner compass, an infallible mechanism for self-direction or guidance. You can call it your inner pilot or, if you like, you can call it your soul. It doesn't matter what you call it. What does matter is that whenever you are actually listening to this inner compass and following its guidance, you tend to feel peaceful, focused, dynamic and alive. When you do not listen to its guidance, you tend to feel scattered, unfocused, nervous, lethargic, and possibly ill."
Looking back in my journal I reflect on what God has done.
Aug. 18th - I was afraid of the surgery - God took care of that..clear margins a clean cut and no lymph nodes involved.
Aug. 26th - I was afraid of hair loss - God took care of that..my daughter took me to Secrets of a Dutches.
Sept. 2th - I was afraid I didn't have all of the answers regarding my treatment. In Daniel chapter 4 God showed me he would teach me
Sept. 3 - I was afraid of the treatment plan...God gave me Dr.... (who did put together the best combination of chemo drugs for me) Now I am not saying that agree with everything he says...but he was right about the combination of drugs.
Sept. 8 - The thought of the chemo was overwhelming - My scripture reading Daniel in the Lions den - Asked God to Protect me. He has.
Sept. 9 - Wrote I was afraid of weight gain from drugs, side effects from all of the "pre chemo drugs" afraid of nausea. Have lost weight, was able to do chemo with no predrugs of steroids, benedryl etc. Threw up 2 times which is minimal. God did that for me.
Sept. 29 - Afraid I don't have the faith to make it. Pastor at the Rock talking about Marriage - you sign up but you don't know what will happen 5-10-20-30 but you have faith it will be ok...this is so applicable to the cancer journey.
There is more in the following months that I will share later. Take a few minutes to enjoy this familiar song...God will make a way. You will be blessed!
YouTube - God Will Make a Way
What has happened in your life where you thought things would be awful and God has made a way for you? Running the Race and thank you for running it with me. Luann
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
No more Chemo 5 out of 6 rounds is enough!
I can't believe it has been since last Saturday that I have updated my blog. So much has happened both physically and spiritually with in the depths of my soul that I almost don't have the words to try and express what has happened.
As you recall last Thursday I went in for Chemo and 5 very competent nurses tried to thread my IV with no luck. My arm was bruised beyond my wildest imagination. I was sent home with the plan to try again on Monday. I was at peace with the decision and viewed it as God was saying no to Chemo on Thursday for what ever the reason.
I must stop here for a moment. There has been question on why I did not do a port. Really it was for three reasons.
1. It is an elective procedure not mandatory for chemo
2. I in my whole heart believe of invasion to the body at the minimal level we need to invade. Those of you who know me know I am into vitamins and doing everything I can to avoid at all cost medicine. This is also why I chose a lumpectomy and not a mastectomy.
3. If I did a port than the Doctors would be in control of my destiny by just being able to dump what they want to dump down me and my God would play no role in what did and did not go into this body that He made. Thursday's scripture before I tried the chemo was very clear to me that he was my Rock and defender. I was standing on His word.
I can actually see the hand of God in protecting me because of this decision.
Monday comes and the good marching soldier that I am said well lets give this the good ole college try one more time! Not to even imagine what we were about to encounter.
Gary and I were escorted into a private room. We had never had this happen before.I got the feeling that the medical staff did not want other chemo patients to see what was about to occur. We began with my nurse who tried to introduce the needle into a resistant vain on my left side twice with no success.
She then immediately said as if preplanned "My Doctor and nurse would make the decision if we would be able to use my arm on the right side which is where I had my lumpectomy. Horrified by this I recalled the instruction from my surgeon and responded "Dr.... my surgeon said never never put the needle in that arm as that can cause lymphodemia. Not 5 minutes later my nurse came back and said my oncologist said we could try one stick in my right arm and she proceeded to insert the IV with no questions asked. This was going to be the way it was even though I knew it was not the right thing to do.
Tears just burst from me through out the next 5 hours as I was overwhelmed with grief that now I may even have to deal with lymphodemia because of this. I had said no but it didn't matter. Then thoughts of Thursday flashed back. God stopped that chemo for a reason. I watched with horror the drips from the three bags hanging by the side of my chair. The best is saved for last... Herceptin was the worse because it takes 1 hr and I think 30 minutes to drip.
Finally this part of the chemo was done. Totally exhausted and nauseated from the entire experience the day was not over. About 3 hours after I got home I began itching...then breaking out into hives. I was having an allergic reaction to the taxatere. I have never had that kind of reaction before. Nauseated I threw up which has only happened one time before. Totally beaten down God had my attention that this was enough of this part of the journey.
I am beginning to regain my strength and was able to work some yesterday and today. I will go back to the oncologist to get the next part of what I need to do which is radiation...and try to figure out what drugs and how we will complete the herceptin which is suppose to go for a year. As my sister Michele put it..I am not just running the race but also staying the course.
So where is God in all this? Well He is right beside me...He has never left me nor will He forsaken me. God is good all the time God is good and I praise him for his wonders and glory and for even this experience. No matter what kind of cancer you are dealing with it is your journey. No two journeys are alike! Isn't that kind of like life is? What matters most is that as you walk through what ever you are going though don't be afraid to let God carry you when you just don't have the strength to keep going.
Without all the family and friends I have had cover me in prayer...I would not have made it this far. I thank you all for your support and encouragement...please continue as this race is not over yet! Great big hugs to you all! Running the Race Luann
As you recall last Thursday I went in for Chemo and 5 very competent nurses tried to thread my IV with no luck. My arm was bruised beyond my wildest imagination. I was sent home with the plan to try again on Monday. I was at peace with the decision and viewed it as God was saying no to Chemo on Thursday for what ever the reason.
I must stop here for a moment. There has been question on why I did not do a port. Really it was for three reasons.
1. It is an elective procedure not mandatory for chemo
2. I in my whole heart believe of invasion to the body at the minimal level we need to invade. Those of you who know me know I am into vitamins and doing everything I can to avoid at all cost medicine. This is also why I chose a lumpectomy and not a mastectomy.
3. If I did a port than the Doctors would be in control of my destiny by just being able to dump what they want to dump down me and my God would play no role in what did and did not go into this body that He made. Thursday's scripture before I tried the chemo was very clear to me that he was my Rock and defender. I was standing on His word.
I can actually see the hand of God in protecting me because of this decision.
Monday comes and the good marching soldier that I am said well lets give this the good ole college try one more time! Not to even imagine what we were about to encounter.
Gary and I were escorted into a private room. We had never had this happen before.I got the feeling that the medical staff did not want other chemo patients to see what was about to occur. We began with my nurse who tried to introduce the needle into a resistant vain on my left side twice with no success.
She then immediately said as if preplanned "My Doctor and nurse would make the decision if we would be able to use my arm on the right side which is where I had my lumpectomy. Horrified by this I recalled the instruction from my surgeon and responded "Dr.... my surgeon said never never put the needle in that arm as that can cause lymphodemia. Not 5 minutes later my nurse came back and said my oncologist said we could try one stick in my right arm and she proceeded to insert the IV with no questions asked. This was going to be the way it was even though I knew it was not the right thing to do.
Tears just burst from me through out the next 5 hours as I was overwhelmed with grief that now I may even have to deal with lymphodemia because of this. I had said no but it didn't matter. Then thoughts of Thursday flashed back. God stopped that chemo for a reason. I watched with horror the drips from the three bags hanging by the side of my chair. The best is saved for last... Herceptin was the worse because it takes 1 hr and I think 30 minutes to drip.
Finally this part of the chemo was done. Totally exhausted and nauseated from the entire experience the day was not over. About 3 hours after I got home I began itching...then breaking out into hives. I was having an allergic reaction to the taxatere. I have never had that kind of reaction before. Nauseated I threw up which has only happened one time before. Totally beaten down God had my attention that this was enough of this part of the journey.
I am beginning to regain my strength and was able to work some yesterday and today. I will go back to the oncologist to get the next part of what I need to do which is radiation...and try to figure out what drugs and how we will complete the herceptin which is suppose to go for a year. As my sister Michele put it..I am not just running the race but also staying the course.
So where is God in all this? Well He is right beside me...He has never left me nor will He forsaken me. God is good all the time God is good and I praise him for his wonders and glory and for even this experience. No matter what kind of cancer you are dealing with it is your journey. No two journeys are alike! Isn't that kind of like life is? What matters most is that as you walk through what ever you are going though don't be afraid to let God carry you when you just don't have the strength to keep going.
Without all the family and friends I have had cover me in prayer...I would not have made it this far. I thank you all for your support and encouragement...please continue as this race is not over yet! Great big hugs to you all! Running the Race Luann
Saturday, February 13, 2010
There is a God!
My sister in law Connie posted this link on Facebook this morning so I am going to attempt to share it with you all. When the day or weeks just turn out like you thought they would just remember there is a God.
I must be honest with you, it has been a rough week. I am thinking I might have even been a bit tramitized with all the tries we had with trying to do the chemo on Thursday. Even though stuff happens it is funny but the world doesn't stop turning thank goodness for that! People at work still need us, our family and friends still need us, our pets still need us, God still needs us to keep going..keep running the race. And I know one day when all of this treatment is done I will feel better! At least that is what my friends say who have been through this.
When I sit and look at the beauty of the snow again :) about 4 inches on my deck I am reminded of the grace and beauty of our Lord who has purpose in the snow. (For us in the mountains..keeps our life slow because we are going no where in the car) I have to admit I am a bit afraid of trying the chemo again on Monday! I will trust in the Lord with all my heart lean not on my own understanding, in all my ways I will acknowledge him and He will keep my path straight. Have a blessed day my friends. Love to you all! Running a race that counts! Luann
There Is A God - Lee Ann Womack
I must be honest with you, it has been a rough week. I am thinking I might have even been a bit tramitized with all the tries we had with trying to do the chemo on Thursday. Even though stuff happens it is funny but the world doesn't stop turning thank goodness for that! People at work still need us, our family and friends still need us, our pets still need us, God still needs us to keep going..keep running the race. And I know one day when all of this treatment is done I will feel better! At least that is what my friends say who have been through this.
When I sit and look at the beauty of the snow again :) about 4 inches on my deck I am reminded of the grace and beauty of our Lord who has purpose in the snow. (For us in the mountains..keeps our life slow because we are going no where in the car) I have to admit I am a bit afraid of trying the chemo again on Monday! I will trust in the Lord with all my heart lean not on my own understanding, in all my ways I will acknowledge him and He will keep my path straight. Have a blessed day my friends. Love to you all! Running a race that counts! Luann
There Is A God - Lee Ann Womack
Thursday, February 11, 2010
9 tries by 5 people to find a vain..chemo was a no go!
The day continues!!! Nicki arrived at my house around 9:00 AM, taking the hill covered with snow outside my house with expertise of a race car driver! Knowing this was the day I would check box 5 out out 6 chemos I was excited to get this over. After all we did the blood work yesterday and the counts although passable to do the chemo, results were not as high as they were the last time I had chemo. This team of nurses was the best and caring nurses I could have had!
9:15....Prayed to get the stick on the first try...got it in...but then the vain blew. Tried a heating pad...stick 2...no go.
9:30....Joann was "the very best" was going to try prayed again...stick 3and 4..no go.
10:00....I can't remember the next nurses name...all I know is she doesn't like to smile. Prayed again and getting weary of this process. Stick 5 was a blow out. Why don't you have a port? Because I didn't want one. Besides I am on 5 out of 6 of my rounds.
Lets try the heating pad again for the next 15 minutes...Ok...and I just sat there asking the Lord to take over.
10:30 .....Next was the head nurse...kept praying and Stick 6 and 7 were blow outs.
11:00.....This is our last try. She is on the IV team at the hospital. Now we are going to try the top of my hand...Stick 8 was a blow... One more try in my wrist..Same bad result. How about coming back on Monday... Sure.
The scripture I read this AM was God was my Rock and my defender. I can only deduce that He was doing just that. God was my Rock...I only had a break down after all of that when I was told that is it for today so I stood on the promises of My God and I believe he was my defender. For what ever the reason I was not suppose to have chemo today. So I praise my God for watching over me!
Nicki and I had a very nice lunch which we would not have done if I had received the chemo which is something we never get to do! So we had a girls lunch out which was really fun!
So I will let you know what happens on Monday. Running the race with commitment! Blessings to all of you and have a great weekend! Luann
9:15....Prayed to get the stick on the first try...got it in...but then the vain blew. Tried a heating pad...stick 2...no go.
9:30....Joann was "the very best" was going to try prayed again...stick 3and 4..no go.
10:00....I can't remember the next nurses name...all I know is she doesn't like to smile. Prayed again and getting weary of this process. Stick 5 was a blow out. Why don't you have a port? Because I didn't want one. Besides I am on 5 out of 6 of my rounds.
Lets try the heating pad again for the next 15 minutes...Ok...and I just sat there asking the Lord to take over.
10:30 .....Next was the head nurse...kept praying and Stick 6 and 7 were blow outs.
11:00.....This is our last try. She is on the IV team at the hospital. Now we are going to try the top of my hand...Stick 8 was a blow... One more try in my wrist..Same bad result. How about coming back on Monday... Sure.
The scripture I read this AM was God was my Rock and my defender. I can only deduce that He was doing just that. God was my Rock...I only had a break down after all of that when I was told that is it for today so I stood on the promises of My God and I believe he was my defender. For what ever the reason I was not suppose to have chemo today. So I praise my God for watching over me!
Nicki and I had a very nice lunch which we would not have done if I had received the chemo which is something we never get to do! So we had a girls lunch out which was really fun!
So I will let you know what happens on Monday. Running the race with commitment! Blessings to all of you and have a great weekend! Luann
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Doc says Round 5 of chemo is a go
In the world of breast cancer at least what I am finding out is there is much you have control of. What you eat, what you do, what you think, (some might argue that is not true but we can either think we are defeated or victorious and is the glass half empty or half full) Sometimes I opt out for a temporary pity party..however again that is a choice. Even the doctor told me today...I have a choice to continue with the chemo or not. They hope I complete the 6 rounds as "research indicates 6 rounds has been proven successful." Recognizing there is a bell curve they could not say 4 rounds might be successful as there is no data to prove it out.
Wow...so if you think about it I have more choices than not. So here is how today went. It has been 4 weeks since my last chemo treatment. We were hoping my counts would be higher than they are. My WBC and Platelets continue to lag every time in this process! It does not matter what I eat, what vitamin I take they continue to be a problem. Let me preface this by saying not bad enough to not do the treatment for safety reasons but just enough to make me question what am I doing to my body?
I have made the choice that I am not going to have a port at the beginning of chemo. Well today we had a rougher time finding a vain for blood work. And I guess I am tired of the poking and prodding. Even though I have blocked out of my mind most of the time...the magnitude of the killer drugs going into the body are really overwhelming to me. To intentionally put something in the body that kills good cells? Yes I realize it is also killing potential cancer cells but still it really seems like an oxymoron to me.
In analyzing the choice and consulting my heavenly Father who has not told me to not take the treatment..I will by the grace of his almighty hand do this once again because I do want to live. I know how important it is to have a positive attitude so I will think about which movies I will watch on my computer and cherish the conversation I have with my daughter tomorrow...I know we will be discussing her upcoming retreat with teens :)
So I have made my choice for tomorrow thinking on this: Philippians 4:8 (Contemporary English Version)
Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise
Running the crazy Race tomorrow! Hugs and Blessings to you all!
Wow...so if you think about it I have more choices than not. So here is how today went. It has been 4 weeks since my last chemo treatment. We were hoping my counts would be higher than they are. My WBC and Platelets continue to lag every time in this process! It does not matter what I eat, what vitamin I take they continue to be a problem. Let me preface this by saying not bad enough to not do the treatment for safety reasons but just enough to make me question what am I doing to my body?
I have made the choice that I am not going to have a port at the beginning of chemo. Well today we had a rougher time finding a vain for blood work. And I guess I am tired of the poking and prodding. Even though I have blocked out of my mind most of the time...the magnitude of the killer drugs going into the body are really overwhelming to me. To intentionally put something in the body that kills good cells? Yes I realize it is also killing potential cancer cells but still it really seems like an oxymoron to me.
In analyzing the choice and consulting my heavenly Father who has not told me to not take the treatment..I will by the grace of his almighty hand do this once again because I do want to live. I know how important it is to have a positive attitude so I will think about which movies I will watch on my computer and cherish the conversation I have with my daughter tomorrow...I know we will be discussing her upcoming retreat with teens :)
So I have made my choice for tomorrow thinking on this: Philippians 4:8 (Contemporary English Version)
Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise
Running the crazy Race tomorrow! Hugs and Blessings to you all!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Round 5 of Chemo on Thursday...weekend deviation!
So the story continues...After all that fretting over the weather and just knowing that Gary would not be able to come to Asheville to be with me in my crazy moments before the next round of Chemo (Round 5) which is this Thursday Gary made it with no problems! Are you surprised:)
As I have been Running this Race some interesting things are springs up from the depths of my soul. I want to write to give hope that no matter where you are what race you are running our God cares and is right there to carry you when you don't think you have the strength to take another step. He is our daddy Father who has your best interest at heart and will never leave you or forsake you!.
The second thing that has occurred to me is that I have a inner creative side that is waiting to be developed. Notice how I say waiting???? Anyway way Michael's (the arts and craft store) sent our an advertisement for wooden heart shaped Picture frames for $1.00. Since God is developing my creative side...I just knew that he was also developing Gary's creative side I suggested we make picture frames for all of our Grand children (We have 5) So we ventured onto Michael's to get our "supplies." I am convinced the $1.00 for the picture frame was to get us in the door, because we then bought paint, glitter, stickers, etc. The "project" took us two days...and I want to show you a few samples of what we did...
Giving from the heart is what our Lord does. In my devotional reading today it says..."You need not look to people for direction. You may learn much by fellowship with the saints, but never allow any to take the role that is rightfully Mine..to direct your steps. As it is written "The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord" Psalm 37:23. From Come Away my Beloved.
I am beginning to learn what this means. May blessings be on you as you embrace your Run for Today! Running the Race with passion today Love Luann
As I have been Running this Race some interesting things are springs up from the depths of my soul. I want to write to give hope that no matter where you are what race you are running our God cares and is right there to carry you when you don't think you have the strength to take another step. He is our daddy Father who has your best interest at heart and will never leave you or forsake you!.
The second thing that has occurred to me is that I have a inner creative side that is waiting to be developed. Notice how I say waiting???? Anyway way Michael's (the arts and craft store) sent our an advertisement for wooden heart shaped Picture frames for $1.00. Since God is developing my creative side...I just knew that he was also developing Gary's creative side I suggested we make picture frames for all of our Grand children (We have 5) So we ventured onto Michael's to get our "supplies." I am convinced the $1.00 for the picture frame was to get us in the door, because we then bought paint, glitter, stickers, etc. The "project" took us two days...and I want to show you a few samples of what we did...
Giving from the heart is what our Lord does. In my devotional reading today it says..."You need not look to people for direction. You may learn much by fellowship with the saints, but never allow any to take the role that is rightfully Mine..to direct your steps. As it is written "The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord" Psalm 37:23. From Come Away my Beloved.
I am beginning to learn what this means. May blessings be on you as you embrace your Run for Today! Running the Race with passion today Love Luann
Friday, February 5, 2010
Did you ever have one of those days?
I don't think this is unique to this cancer thing that is occurring for me right now as I can recall before I had cancer there were just some days just require a start over by 9 AM in the morning! And the harder you try to turn it around the worse it gets. Well that was my yesterday. The good news is there is a scripture "His mercies are new every morning" so I am going to claim that for today and already know the day is better!
So you might ask what could have gone so wrong? Well in retrospect as I am writing this I am laughing inside because the truth is I am not sure. It started out with my acupuncturist. I have been using acupuncture to combat some of the side effects of chemo...nausia..fatique..not being able to sleep mostly. And she knows I need her right after chemo. Since I have round 5 out of round 6 on Thursday she becomes more important to me. Well I have been trying to resolve getting reimbursed for her services which are not cheap for 2 mos. Yesterday just happened to be the day when enough was enough. As we all know if you don't give insurance companies what they want...you don't get what you want. My acupuncturist and I had batted emails back and forth, until the straw that broke the camels back was when she called the insurance company a lyer and basically would not help me get them what they needed. In retrospect it also bothered me that she would never share with me what was in the herbs she gave me because they "did not translate well from Chinese to English and would take her too long, show up late for my appointments..But I needed her and just knew I would not make it if I left her! Well I was reminded that "My God supplies all of my needs" so I mustered up courage to say "No more." And fired her...I am now free. Now what???
Then the tears for the day started. Notice how I say started. Well that was only the beginning. I am enjoying blogging, as I think it is really a great place to organize thoughts and get feedback from real people. Well I went to my blogg and no comments!Mind you I have been doing this all of one month. So my head immediately went to MSU (Making Stuff UP) and said "No one likes you or even cares about Luann" Poor me! Then the real pity party started. More tears.
Work was next. My assistant and I have a great relationship and he starts talking about the WEATHER! This dog gone Asheville weather...Snow with mixed rain is in the forcast MSU again! = I will be grounded to the house the whole weekend and Gary my husband will not be able to come up from Charlotte because he will not be able to get up these "Beautiful Mountains...Ha! In the summer they are beautiful".
Dumes day - this extroversion that I have will crumple up and die with no one to talk to!!!! for a whole weekend! More tears...what because of the weather report??? Yes because of the weather report. The day continues I have my performance review from my boss...Of course I think I am better than what I am reading..MSU...they don't like me...I just know they are planning to get rid of me! Because of a review that is not a perfect 4? Give me a break! Yes I admit that is where I went!
To top the "perfect" day off I talk with my husband at the end of the day on the phone and he withdrew out of the checking account $20 more than he usually does for the week..What??? What are you thinking!!!! ...This is our conversation at night..Between my rehashing all of the day with tears in between...So I have one more question as the interrigation begins...why did you take an extra $20??????!!!!! out of the bank? As if to say he was breaking the bank and we would surely die! He not knowing what to say so as not to add fule to the fire calmly replied...Because I needed the cash for gas in case I was going to come up to Asheville tomorrow. "Oh" Sorry.
Around 7:45 PM I made the first constructive decision of the day to get off this utterly crazy day and put on my 2 mile walk CD which I whole heartly did and felt much better... and then went to bed. Good night!
Good Morning! It is amazing what a good night sleep will do. I did find a new acupuncturist..the weather is still there but today is a new day.
"Resign all into my hands. your loved ones as well as your own self. Be obedient to the still small voice. Your own imaginings may speak more loudly but wait up me always. You will see the wisdom in this in due time. Fret not about carnal thing, but concern yourself first and always with spiritual values. Truly My promise is still: "Seek first the Kingdom of God and all the other needful things will be added to you." Come Away My beloved.
I love life. Thank goodness this is a new day and His mercies are new every morning.
May you have a blessed day. Grateful to be alive. Blessings to you today and it is Friday! Running the race always. Luann
So you might ask what could have gone so wrong? Well in retrospect as I am writing this I am laughing inside because the truth is I am not sure. It started out with my acupuncturist. I have been using acupuncture to combat some of the side effects of chemo...nausia..fatique..not being able to sleep mostly. And she knows I need her right after chemo. Since I have round 5 out of round 6 on Thursday she becomes more important to me. Well I have been trying to resolve getting reimbursed for her services which are not cheap for 2 mos. Yesterday just happened to be the day when enough was enough. As we all know if you don't give insurance companies what they want...you don't get what you want. My acupuncturist and I had batted emails back and forth, until the straw that broke the camels back was when she called the insurance company a lyer and basically would not help me get them what they needed. In retrospect it also bothered me that she would never share with me what was in the herbs she gave me because they "did not translate well from Chinese to English and would take her too long, show up late for my appointments..But I needed her and just knew I would not make it if I left her! Well I was reminded that "My God supplies all of my needs" so I mustered up courage to say "No more." And fired her...I am now free. Now what???
Then the tears for the day started. Notice how I say started. Well that was only the beginning. I am enjoying blogging, as I think it is really a great place to organize thoughts and get feedback from real people. Well I went to my blogg and no comments!Mind you I have been doing this all of one month. So my head immediately went to MSU (Making Stuff UP) and said "No one likes you or even cares about Luann" Poor me! Then the real pity party started. More tears.
Work was next. My assistant and I have a great relationship and he starts talking about the WEATHER! This dog gone Asheville weather...Snow with mixed rain is in the forcast MSU again! = I will be grounded to the house the whole weekend and Gary my husband will not be able to come up from Charlotte because he will not be able to get up these "Beautiful Mountains...Ha! In the summer they are beautiful".
Dumes day - this extroversion that I have will crumple up and die with no one to talk to!!!! for a whole weekend! More tears...what because of the weather report??? Yes because of the weather report. The day continues I have my performance review from my boss...Of course I think I am better than what I am reading..MSU...they don't like me...I just know they are planning to get rid of me! Because of a review that is not a perfect 4? Give me a break! Yes I admit that is where I went!
To top the "perfect" day off I talk with my husband at the end of the day on the phone and he withdrew out of the checking account $20 more than he usually does for the week..What??? What are you thinking!!!! ...This is our conversation at night..Between my rehashing all of the day with tears in between...So I have one more question as the interrigation begins...why did you take an extra $20??????!!!!! out of the bank? As if to say he was breaking the bank and we would surely die! He not knowing what to say so as not to add fule to the fire calmly replied...Because I needed the cash for gas in case I was going to come up to Asheville tomorrow. "Oh" Sorry.
Around 7:45 PM I made the first constructive decision of the day to get off this utterly crazy day and put on my 2 mile walk CD which I whole heartly did and felt much better... and then went to bed. Good night!
Good Morning! It is amazing what a good night sleep will do. I did find a new acupuncturist..the weather is still there but today is a new day.
"Resign all into my hands. your loved ones as well as your own self. Be obedient to the still small voice. Your own imaginings may speak more loudly but wait up me always. You will see the wisdom in this in due time. Fret not about carnal thing, but concern yourself first and always with spiritual values. Truly My promise is still: "Seek first the Kingdom of God and all the other needful things will be added to you." Come Away My beloved.
I love life. Thank goodness this is a new day and His mercies are new every morning.
May you have a blessed day. Grateful to be alive. Blessings to you today and it is Friday! Running the race always. Luann
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Light at the end of the tunnel.
This walk through cancer has been interesting. For the past 5 mos I have at times felt like I am in this black hole never feeling quite normal...However, being obedient to what is almost like an oxmoron to me - Chemo therapy to help me get well. (Pumping poison into my body to kill good and bad cells) and significant adjusting my life to protecting my body from germs, managing the fatigue etc. However grateful I am to what transformation is occurring within my soul through this.
Anyway, I had an ah ha moment yesterday at work. Looking at the master calender on the wall in my office talking to my HR Assistant (by the way who has been one of those provisions that God has given me during this cancer journey) the thought occurred that I only have two chemo's left. Is it possible I will begin to "feel better" and my life will somehow get back to "normal" what ever that may be. Is there such a thing as normal..not quite so sure on that one.
There is a caveat here... in the very near future I still have to make decisions on radiation, (how much) pills they want me to take as maintenance..continuation of Herceptin for 6 more months and how to I once and for all implement a life style of positive change in diet and getting prepared to actually run or walk a 5 k walk as a celebration of life!
I have so much gratitude for so many things I find it hard to contain myself! For you my dear friends who have prayed me through..and continue to do this. For my God has been absolutely glorious through all of this and there are some learning's that I don't ever want to forget like attending to God's word doesn't mean the bible sits on my table but it is active. I got to know Gods word!
God's gentle nudge ..push :) to show me how important our physical and spiritual bodies are...and he expects us to take care of our bodies. God heals...there are over 50 scriptures/promises that talk about how Jesus went about healing. Regarding eating, Junk in is junk out. Prayer changes things - all we need to do is "just do it!" Life is meant to do it in partnership with people. God loves me and cares for me so much that if I were the only one on this earth when he died he would have done it for me. I am still comprehending that. I am learning to love unconditionally. God is teaching me and I love it!
What has been your "light at the end of the tunnel" moment and did it turn out how you expected?
As I was reading in Come Away my Beloved "Faith and Actions" I close with this, Never be taken by surprise when I use you to change a pattern. Do not judge a man by what he appears to be but see him as what he can be if he gives himself unreservedly to Me.
Grateful to keep running this race! Luann
Anyway, I had an ah ha moment yesterday at work. Looking at the master calender on the wall in my office talking to my HR Assistant (by the way who has been one of those provisions that God has given me during this cancer journey) the thought occurred that I only have two chemo's left. Is it possible I will begin to "feel better" and my life will somehow get back to "normal" what ever that may be. Is there such a thing as normal..not quite so sure on that one.
There is a caveat here... in the very near future I still have to make decisions on radiation, (how much) pills they want me to take as maintenance..continuation of Herceptin for 6 more months and how to I once and for all implement a life style of positive change in diet and getting prepared to actually run or walk a 5 k walk as a celebration of life!
I have so much gratitude for so many things I find it hard to contain myself! For you my dear friends who have prayed me through..and continue to do this. For my God has been absolutely glorious through all of this and there are some learning's that I don't ever want to forget like attending to God's word doesn't mean the bible sits on my table but it is active. I got to know Gods word!
God's gentle nudge ..push :) to show me how important our physical and spiritual bodies are...and he expects us to take care of our bodies. God heals...there are over 50 scriptures/promises that talk about how Jesus went about healing. Regarding eating, Junk in is junk out. Prayer changes things - all we need to do is "just do it!" Life is meant to do it in partnership with people. God loves me and cares for me so much that if I were the only one on this earth when he died he would have done it for me. I am still comprehending that. I am learning to love unconditionally. God is teaching me and I love it!
What has been your "light at the end of the tunnel" moment and did it turn out how you expected?
As I was reading in Come Away my Beloved "Faith and Actions" I close with this, Never be taken by surprise when I use you to change a pattern. Do not judge a man by what he appears to be but see him as what he can be if he gives himself unreservedly to Me.
Grateful to keep running this race! Luann
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