I took this photo from my front porch yesterday. For a moment the hot summer's day had a collision with a brief but desperate needed rain. Fog rose up from nowhere and hovered the mountain I knew so well. The fog covered the mountain like a blanket of snow which gave the illusion there was no mountain. However the magnificent call of nature could not be denied just because there was fog covering it.
Reflecting over my life the past two weeks were filled with magnificent fun, family, laughter, and a vacation in the splendor of the Smokey Mountains. However slowly a "fog" began to cover my topsy turvey reality of a year with Breast Cancer.
I was asked what I would write about now that my treatment was officially done and I was NED (No Evidence of Disease). I knew one thing for sure, I really didn't want to think about cancer any more. I reasoned if I kept dwelling on this cancer thing it would never go away. My writing (blogging) about my experiences intertwined with the cancer story was something I wanted to escape from never to come back!
It didn't take long for my utopia to be crushed. Friday I went to work after two weeks of vacation. It took less than 8 hours to have my precious energy that was restored be sucked out of me. This is impossible I thought. I have been on vacation almost two weeks and my energy was great. OH that precious energy that we all depend on to keep us going was gone once again.
I encountered an utter mess at work. Our business unit was up for sale again and a nagging uncertainty crept within me. Oh the mind can present itself in a state of lies when you are tired. "Luann, once this business sold you will not have a job. Let's face it, you are just over head. Besides look at your energy. You go on vacation 2 weeks and in one day it is gone. You don't have the energy to keep on top of your game." Everything I knew as "normal" was now gone. My personal life and now my job. I am trying so hard to get thing back to normal but it is just not working.
Today is Sunday. My husband is sick with the flu, my glands are swollen and I am afraid I am going to catch the flu also. I am tired and did not make it to church. Still, in spite of me God still had plans in working this whole thing out. I listed to a preacher from my daughters church Elevation in Charlotte, NC.
He talked about getting paralyzed by past pain which makes us stuck and we can't move forward. We ask ourselves "why" and God "why" which is OK. In fact, Jesus on the cross asked the Father in heaven "Why." The thing is Jesus didn't stay on the cross as he had a purpose for you and me. The preacher went on to say that even though we ask why, we really don't want to know all of the details of "why" but what we are saying is we wish this had not happened to us.
That was it. My reality was I wished Breast Cancer had not happened to me. Although through my journey I learned a great deal which I would not change, I still wish cancer had not happened. I thought if I denied it would go away. Quit writing, quit telling my story and it will all go away. Then I read my dear friend Marie's blog. "http://beyondbreastcancer.wordpress.com/2010/07/11/diana-raab/
I learned that denial is common with many cancer survivors and even the strongest may struggle with this. It was very comforting to know I was not alone.
However, I can't stay in denial because I do have a purpose that can only be done by me. There has been allot of tears shed today but the fog is going away. I am a beautiful creation still being perfected by a God who loves me and yes I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer which forever a part of me. The fog is going away!
Blessings to you today. We have to keep Running the Race before us. No one else can do the race like we can! Luann
