I am not sure where to begin in explaining the stirring that is in my soul. I have been on the quest of searching for a needle in a haystack in this market - a job!
Still plagued with flashbacks and insecurities from the rude exit I had from my last organization, the fact that the medicine I am on makes me fatigued and the only way I can describe my brain sometimes is it does not seem to understand how to "connect the dots" in the recall area so as to be able to communicate in a way that is somewhat intelligent.
Now this does propose a problem when you are looking for that next opportunity that you know God has for you. I am being blessed in so many ways and yet I do need to get a job. But not just any job, the job I know God has for me. I have interviewed a few times but nothing has seemed like the right fit.
I recently met a friend named Susan who told me to contact Tony, who told me to contact Patty a recruiter. I reached out to Patty two weeks ago who immediately responded. That in itself was a blessing if you have ever worked with a recruiter you know what I am talking about.
Patty sent me an email after she viewed my Linkedin profile and asked me if I was looking for a job to which I immediately responded "Yes I am." She said she was working on a search and my international background, along with manufacturing and the successes I have had with helping to lead culture turnarounds were a good fit for the company. This is a small company that is moving it's HDQ here who was looking for a Director of HR. "Luann we want to send you on an interview with the President on Tuesday". Patty in the closing of our interview said to me "Luann timing is everything." I thought to my self "Patty you have no idea..and so right about that."
As I got in the car after the interview I was on quite a high. I then gave all the praise to God for his encouragement because I could not have planned this if I wanted to saying to myself "God I am going to trust you!"
No sooner did I get those words out of my mouth, doubts creep in. "Luann this is not going to happen you will not be able to communicate in the interview, you will not be able to really help them." It was all down hill from there.
God must have a sense of humor as he watched this gal who has no more estrogen in her to even have an emotion be strung out on lies. I am sure he was thinking "Luann, Luann, I told you I would never leave you or forsake you. When I say never, I mean never. Not now, not tomorrow..Never!"
On Saturday I practiced interviewing with a prominent business friend at Panera Bread in which I royally bombed. Doomed again! Now the thought of blowing the interview and being embarrassed in front of a group was more than I could stand. Still I continued to fight these thoughts of not being able to do this stupid interview.
I was having quiet time on Monday morning before I practiced for the interview AGAIN. My gosh it was like I was taking a college final exam!
Anyway I was having a one way conversation with God. "God I am afraid I am just not going to be able to talk and I will look stupid." God gently took hold of my way word spirit and brought to mind the Apostle Paul who was not an eloquent speaker but God gave him the words to change the world. Moses was not a great speaker yet God gave Moses the words to speak and he communicated the 10 commandments.
It was if God said to me "Luann I have given you this opportunity, you must take what I have done in the past with Paul and Moses and you must make their faith your own. You must trust me like they trusted me and believe that I am able and will do the same for you. I will go in front of you preparing the way. It is not enough for you to admire what I did with these people who are just like you, you must make their faith your own to truly walk by faith by sight.
The interview as yesterday and while I was in the interview I know God was right there with me helping me to speak and it went well. Still it was not perfect, but it went well.
Can you believe it when I got home those darn doubts started creeping back in. I had almost talked myself out of the possibility of being in the running for this when I woke up this morning and felt God give me the answer to a question the President asked me which just didn't come out yesterday.
Hopping out of bed, I started writing my Thank You notes to the team from the interview yesterday with my solution to the problem the president presented and rushed it over via Chevalier Express at 10:00 AM today.
God has set straight in my head that he does have plans for me and I don't have to do it myself. Oh I am so grateful for this happening and I just want to encourage you today to make "their" faith your own. This was truly one of the biggest faith steps I have ever had. Yes God I am trusting you!
The next step in the process is the company will be inviting back the top two candidates. Hoping one of those candidates will be me.
Walking by faith not by sight as I run the race. Luann
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
AWOL, but I am back!
Pretty zappy title from someone who has been AWOL (That is military for Away With Out Leave) for almost 5 months wouldn't you say? All I can say is thank you to all of my blogging friends and family for your words of encouragement and notes of "just checking in" which truly have made a world of difference to me. So many of you are fighting your own battles that are compared to mine are so much greater. I guess that is why two sisters are better than one. When one falls down, the other picks the other up. Now it is time for me to be a little more of a "picker up" sister.
To be honest a few short months ago I walked through the motions of the start of my new life in a daze feeling like I was not connected to earth and not really knowing how this was all going to work out. The past few months have been an amazing experience on where God continues to show up in the most unexpected ways.
Recapping this past 4 months which followed on the heals of a quite frankly hellish year which included but not limited to a lumpectomy, chemo, radiation and crazy maintenance drugs that I will be on at least for the next almost 4 years, loneliness, feeling crappy, a battle with depression, I am sure you get the picture :) Not fun!
To continue, starting in October, I lost my job, we put our house up in Asheville for sale and left everything that was familiar and moved to Charlotte. Challenges continued as I started reconnecting with my husband and family. Remember I was an AWOL mom, grandma, friend as well as a weekend wife living up in Asheville for almost 3 years. Gary and I did the commute thing for almost 3 years. Things are finally better as I so abruptly invaded not a "man cave" but a "man house" which belonged to Gary. Now I can say the "man house" is now "our house." :)
Next came some insane self afflicted pressure on myself to "get a job" which only made things worse. I continued to sink into a hole and finally reached out to get some professional counseling which gave me permission to chill and give my self some time to heal. That was a great piece of advice and I am happy to report I am feeling much better and slowly regaining momentum.
So what is God up to as His word says that God works all things out to the good for those who love and are called according to his purpose? Well, I for one am not sure, however I am going to name off a few blessings of encouragement that have come my way:
1. I have reconnected with my husband, daughter, son in law, and grand kids on this side of the world. My son and family still live in Seattle so that is a little more difficult. I didn't realize how much I was missing, a 5 year old's birthday party for one!
2. We have been blessed with a smaller house which is much easier to take care of and it is amazing how much of my "stuff" I really don't even need. Life is so much simpler.
3. We have connected with a great church called Elevation in Charlotte and are becoming active. (By the way you can listen on line if you just want an extra blessing in your day.)
4. I am reconnecting and meeting people I never believed possible. As part of my package from the company I received outplacement and have met some wonderful people in some job groups and have learned the powerful tool of linkedin for a professional network tool.
5. Yes, I am also volunteering at Pronet in Charlotte as a job coach since I have a career coaching background and a group called "Dress for Success in Charlotte" helping women with resume, interviewing and how to dress.
6. Friends have introduced me to potential job opportunities so I know the right thing will happen and God does have a job for me exactly where He wants me to be.
I am not going to lie and say things are 100% OK, but I will say they are 100% better than they were in October. I am learning so much. I truly believe God has a purpose and a reason for everything that happens. We may not understand it but to be sure God is for us not against us.
The realization has once again hit that my goodness we are only on the earth for a brief period of time, that goes for all of us cancer, other illnesses or perfectly healthy people. I want to make each day count.
I am inspired, being renewed in spirit and challenged each day to look around, to touch those who come into our lives in a way that lifts up not tear down, to bring hope and show the love of our heavenly Father to a world that sees so much junk.
Yep that is what I am learning. Blessings to you today.
Secure in knowing I am Running the Race with my Lord who picks me up when I fall down, carries me when I can't walk. Luann
To be honest a few short months ago I walked through the motions of the start of my new life in a daze feeling like I was not connected to earth and not really knowing how this was all going to work out. The past few months have been an amazing experience on where God continues to show up in the most unexpected ways.
Recapping this past 4 months which followed on the heals of a quite frankly hellish year which included but not limited to a lumpectomy, chemo, radiation and crazy maintenance drugs that I will be on at least for the next almost 4 years, loneliness, feeling crappy, a battle with depression, I am sure you get the picture :) Not fun!
To continue, starting in October, I lost my job, we put our house up in Asheville for sale and left everything that was familiar and moved to Charlotte. Challenges continued as I started reconnecting with my husband and family. Remember I was an AWOL mom, grandma, friend as well as a weekend wife living up in Asheville for almost 3 years. Gary and I did the commute thing for almost 3 years. Things are finally better as I so abruptly invaded not a "man cave" but a "man house" which belonged to Gary. Now I can say the "man house" is now "our house." :)
Next came some insane self afflicted pressure on myself to "get a job" which only made things worse. I continued to sink into a hole and finally reached out to get some professional counseling which gave me permission to chill and give my self some time to heal. That was a great piece of advice and I am happy to report I am feeling much better and slowly regaining momentum.
So what is God up to as His word says that God works all things out to the good for those who love and are called according to his purpose? Well, I for one am not sure, however I am going to name off a few blessings of encouragement that have come my way:
1. I have reconnected with my husband, daughter, son in law, and grand kids on this side of the world. My son and family still live in Seattle so that is a little more difficult. I didn't realize how much I was missing, a 5 year old's birthday party for one!
2. We have been blessed with a smaller house which is much easier to take care of and it is amazing how much of my "stuff" I really don't even need. Life is so much simpler.
3. We have connected with a great church called Elevation in Charlotte and are becoming active. (By the way you can listen on line if you just want an extra blessing in your day.)
4. I am reconnecting and meeting people I never believed possible. As part of my package from the company I received outplacement and have met some wonderful people in some job groups and have learned the powerful tool of linkedin for a professional network tool.
5. Yes, I am also volunteering at Pronet in Charlotte as a job coach since I have a career coaching background and a group called "Dress for Success in Charlotte" helping women with resume, interviewing and how to dress.
6. Friends have introduced me to potential job opportunities so I know the right thing will happen and God does have a job for me exactly where He wants me to be.
I am not going to lie and say things are 100% OK, but I will say they are 100% better than they were in October. I am learning so much. I truly believe God has a purpose and a reason for everything that happens. We may not understand it but to be sure God is for us not against us.
The realization has once again hit that my goodness we are only on the earth for a brief period of time, that goes for all of us cancer, other illnesses or perfectly healthy people. I want to make each day count.
I am inspired, being renewed in spirit and challenged each day to look around, to touch those who come into our lives in a way that lifts up not tear down, to bring hope and show the love of our heavenly Father to a world that sees so much junk.
Yep that is what I am learning. Blessings to you today.
Secure in knowing I am Running the Race with my Lord who picks me up when I fall down, carries me when I can't walk. Luann
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Life Sure Is Changing the - Story Continues
Monday I showed up to work barely recovering from the D and C trauma of Friday. (Side note praise: my pathology from the D and C showed no signs of cancer. Yeah!!) Anyway back to the story that as I write cannot believe this occurred. The HR Director of the new company that bought us was standing by my office. Now anytime the HR Director shows up you know it can't be good. I thought to myself "Well it is either someone on the leadership team or me that will be going." I preface this to say since our company was bought over a month ago there have been many changes in the plant and with personnel.
He continued "Luann there is no use to mincing words, we are going to sever your employment." Shocked it was me I said "Oh OK" "So when is this effective? "Today and I would like you to clean out your things and be out of here this morning." With a little more discussion I was told that they were restructuring my position and I did not fit with the restructure. They needed someone who understood how things were done the .....way. I later learned that the gal who replaced me is early 30's. Hum!
Restructure, don't you love that word? So with a bit of a severance in hand I am now without a job so will begin exploring what God has in store for me. I do know that from a physical stand point I am exhaused. I am really wondering if I never let my body recover from the havic that was inflicted with Chemo, radiation and drugs.
As I had quiet time this morning God gave me this scripture: We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed: we are perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken. 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord is my song today!
Running the Race shocked but with confidence that God knows what he is doing! Luann
He continued "Luann there is no use to mincing words, we are going to sever your employment." Shocked it was me I said "Oh OK" "So when is this effective? "Today and I would like you to clean out your things and be out of here this morning." With a little more discussion I was told that they were restructuring my position and I did not fit with the restructure. They needed someone who understood how things were done the .....way. I later learned that the gal who replaced me is early 30's. Hum!
Restructure, don't you love that word? So with a bit of a severance in hand I am now without a job so will begin exploring what God has in store for me. I do know that from a physical stand point I am exhaused. I am really wondering if I never let my body recover from the havic that was inflicted with Chemo, radiation and drugs.
As I had quiet time this morning God gave me this scripture: We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed: we are perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken. 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord is my song today!
Running the Race shocked but with confidence that God knows what he is doing! Luann
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Life Sure is Changing!
About a month ago we took a last minute summer/fall vacation to North Myrtle Beach. As I was walking on the beach I happened to snap the picture that you see as my new blog header. I was totally amazed at the beauty of the quiet moment and how the heavens just opened up. The picture reminded me of how it must have been when Jesus being obedient to His Father in heaven as he was baptized. I could just hear the Father say "This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased."
Then I thought would God say that of His daughter - namely me? My behavior over the past month sure has had its ups and downs. Our business was just sold and there are lots of changes. I am not sure I will ultimately have a job with the new company however I am trying to adapt my attitude towards being a new employee and "learning the new way" as my baby sister advised.
Yesterday I had a D and C. You all know that my veins do not like needles:) Well yesterday before the surgery we brought in all of the top guns! The Dr. who also the Anesthesiologist was frustrated as the "IV Team Nurse" could not even come close to getting an IV started in me. Impatiently he went to find an ultrasound machine to get this IV started as we were running behind schedule. He examined my left arm with this machine. No vein to start this IV in. OK now we are going to the legs. I thought "You have got to be kidding" This ultrasound machine indicated there were no veins to penetrate this IV. Now we are moving to my feet. **Really!) The ultrasound found no veins. So the impatient doc says "Well we are eliminating our choices, it is either your right arm or your jugular." "My neck I exclaimed???" "Yes your neck he replied." So we started my IV via my neck! (It sounds worse than it was).
The surgery results: They removed several polyps. The doctor didn't think any looked cancerous however they are being sent out just to make sure.
When I came too I bit the nurses head off as I asked where is the doctor. She said "She communicated the information to your husband." "To my husband?? He doesn't understand what the doc and I have been talking about!" I replied. Her attitude was "Too bad, it is what it is. You can call that doctor on Monday. She has already gone home!" As I looked at the clock which was almost 5:00 PM I understood why.
So would the King of everything be pleased with me? I am not sure but I know in the end he has control of all!
Running the Race with confidence that God must have had a chuckle yesterday! Luann
Then I thought would God say that of His daughter - namely me? My behavior over the past month sure has had its ups and downs. Our business was just sold and there are lots of changes. I am not sure I will ultimately have a job with the new company however I am trying to adapt my attitude towards being a new employee and "learning the new way" as my baby sister advised.
Yesterday I had a D and C. You all know that my veins do not like needles:) Well yesterday before the surgery we brought in all of the top guns! The Dr. who also the Anesthesiologist was frustrated as the "IV Team Nurse" could not even come close to getting an IV started in me. Impatiently he went to find an ultrasound machine to get this IV started as we were running behind schedule. He examined my left arm with this machine. No vein to start this IV in. OK now we are going to the legs. I thought "You have got to be kidding" This ultrasound machine indicated there were no veins to penetrate this IV. Now we are moving to my feet. **Really!) The ultrasound found no veins. So the impatient doc says "Well we are eliminating our choices, it is either your right arm or your jugular." "My neck I exclaimed???" "Yes your neck he replied." So we started my IV via my neck! (It sounds worse than it was).
The surgery results: They removed several polyps. The doctor didn't think any looked cancerous however they are being sent out just to make sure.
When I came too I bit the nurses head off as I asked where is the doctor. She said "She communicated the information to your husband." "To my husband?? He doesn't understand what the doc and I have been talking about!" I replied. Her attitude was "Too bad, it is what it is. You can call that doctor on Monday. She has already gone home!" As I looked at the clock which was almost 5:00 PM I understood why.
So would the King of everything be pleased with me? I am not sure but I know in the end he has control of all!
Running the Race with confidence that God must have had a chuckle yesterday! Luann
Monday, September 6, 2010
Hey God it is me
God, hello it is me Luann. Yesterday I noticed the weather is changing. Can it be the end to summer is here? 80 degrees during the day and 47 degrees at night, seems like only yesterday this same season was here. Can it be one whole year since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer? My gosh my mind just can't let go of that. So much has happened in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. Good thing I didn't know what the entire picture what the year was going to look like over the previous year. You were pretty smart not to reveal all that was going to happen to me because I probably wouldn't have done what you told me to. I might have chickened out saying this cancer thing is just too big. You in your infinite wisdom gave me just enough for the day. Then that's how you operate anyway.
You know my heart and soul is so different one year later. Mostly what I am overwhelmed with is how I never in a thousand years could have imagined how your kindness, your love and your GRACE would sustain me.
Right now I have tears in my eyes as I am so grateful to you. We actually have been talking about your Grace at church for the last 6 months. I know that is a long time but it takes along time talking about this characteristic of you. Of course you know that. Nothing happens by accident nor is a surprise for you.
What has struck me the most is how your word commands us to speak to what ever mountain is in our way and you will flatten it like a plain. Well I have to say that is exactly what you did for me. You flattened this breast cancer mountain of last year as flat as the desert in Arizona. Yes you did. All I can say is thank you.
But I have a question. Why have you been so good to me? I am not saying it hasn't been hard but my God you are God, Jehovah, creator of the universe you picked me up and carried me like that footprint story I have read so many times through the year.
Actually if I reflect back in my life and if you want to get right down to it, you have always been there through thick and thin. You have showed me you want me to live, you want me to love, you want me to glorify your name. Why? Just because you are God who has found favor with this human being named Luann.
Today I was on my way to one of my favorite stores Stein Mart searching for a bargain. Anyway I was listening to the radio but I actually think this was another God moment. You wanted me to hear this story. For my readers, I hope I can capture it like how I heard it. You know I do have some "senior moments" but I am going to try.
The story began around Thanksgiving Day a few years ago. The weather was cold and nasty as winter weather can be. A woman was driving home. Unbeknown to her, some teenagers had stolen a credit card were on a shopping spree and charged $400+ on this stolen card which was captured by video camera. They also purchased a 20 lb turkey.
As fate would have it, she was directly behind their car when one of the boys threw the turkey out the window which smashed her front car window, struck her in the head and completely destroyed her face beyond recognition. Over the next few years she would have several painful reconstruction surgeries to attempt to put her jaw and face back together. I could not imagine what that felt like but what happened is even more amazing.
I hit the fast forward button to the court room where the teenager and his attorney are pleading his case to the judge. The woman in the story saw the lad for the first time and he saw her. She slowly raised her frail frame and walked over to him. Tears were streaming down her face as she embraced the lad.
With her hands reaching out for his face she hugged him and said "I forgive you, I care about you and your life." She proceeded to request that the judge give the boy not what deserved which was prison but a pardon. The court room could not believe what they were witnessing. This woman's mercy brought tears to the entire court room including the boy and his attorney.
Anyway because of her mercy his boy escaped the penality that was rightly due him but did not have to pay because of grace and mercy. I think you just wanted to show me that you extend your grace to me just because you can and you do. I am still in amazment at this woman's mercy and grace that changed this young man's life.
Anyway a big thank you for that story and the reminder of your grace for me.
Your grace really is sufficient. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't deserve your grace but I sure do thank you for it! You are worthy to be praised! Running the Race with Thanksgiving in my heart. Luann
You know my heart and soul is so different one year later. Mostly what I am overwhelmed with is how I never in a thousand years could have imagined how your kindness, your love and your GRACE would sustain me.
Right now I have tears in my eyes as I am so grateful to you. We actually have been talking about your Grace at church for the last 6 months. I know that is a long time but it takes along time talking about this characteristic of you. Of course you know that. Nothing happens by accident nor is a surprise for you.
What has struck me the most is how your word commands us to speak to what ever mountain is in our way and you will flatten it like a plain. Well I have to say that is exactly what you did for me. You flattened this breast cancer mountain of last year as flat as the desert in Arizona. Yes you did. All I can say is thank you.
But I have a question. Why have you been so good to me? I am not saying it hasn't been hard but my God you are God, Jehovah, creator of the universe you picked me up and carried me like that footprint story I have read so many times through the year.
Actually if I reflect back in my life and if you want to get right down to it, you have always been there through thick and thin. You have showed me you want me to live, you want me to love, you want me to glorify your name. Why? Just because you are God who has found favor with this human being named Luann.
Today I was on my way to one of my favorite stores Stein Mart searching for a bargain. Anyway I was listening to the radio but I actually think this was another God moment. You wanted me to hear this story. For my readers, I hope I can capture it like how I heard it. You know I do have some "senior moments" but I am going to try.
The story began around Thanksgiving Day a few years ago. The weather was cold and nasty as winter weather can be. A woman was driving home. Unbeknown to her, some teenagers had stolen a credit card were on a shopping spree and charged $400+ on this stolen card which was captured by video camera. They also purchased a 20 lb turkey.
As fate would have it, she was directly behind their car when one of the boys threw the turkey out the window which smashed her front car window, struck her in the head and completely destroyed her face beyond recognition. Over the next few years she would have several painful reconstruction surgeries to attempt to put her jaw and face back together. I could not imagine what that felt like but what happened is even more amazing.
I hit the fast forward button to the court room where the teenager and his attorney are pleading his case to the judge. The woman in the story saw the lad for the first time and he saw her. She slowly raised her frail frame and walked over to him. Tears were streaming down her face as she embraced the lad.
With her hands reaching out for his face she hugged him and said "I forgive you, I care about you and your life." She proceeded to request that the judge give the boy not what deserved which was prison but a pardon. The court room could not believe what they were witnessing. This woman's mercy brought tears to the entire court room including the boy and his attorney.
Anyway because of her mercy his boy escaped the penality that was rightly due him but did not have to pay because of grace and mercy. I think you just wanted to show me that you extend your grace to me just because you can and you do. I am still in amazment at this woman's mercy and grace that changed this young man's life.
Anyway a big thank you for that story and the reminder of your grace for me.
Your grace really is sufficient. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't deserve your grace but I sure do thank you for it! You are worthy to be praised! Running the Race with Thanksgiving in my heart. Luann
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Mammogram and Bone Density Today
I am a little apprehensive about going for the Mammogram and Bone Density test today. My gosh I can hardly believe it has been a year since I have the lumpectomy. So many things have occurred since I began this journey I can hardly believe it has just been a year. As I was glancing over FB this morning I ran across a post from a Patients against Lymphoma.
They had a link to Dr Joe Himle who is an associate professor for Psychiatry at the University of Michigan who was talking about Cognitive Therapy.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbit.ly%2FHimle&h=8c0c1
I thought maybe he has something to say for me today so I don't ordinarily take the time to listen but I did this morning. I am glad I did. As he was talking about cognitive therapy this really struck me today. He said that cognitive therapy is not the power of positive thinking but it is telling yourself the truth about the positive things in your life. Depression has a hard time hitting a moving target and most often hits the stationary target. Wow!! I never thought about depression like that!
So in the midst of this uncertainty today I am reminded of how God kept me moving. And according to his word he is not going to leave me or forsake me. These were the things that are the truth for me today.
This is what God allowed me to do to keep moving over the first year and combat the loneliness I so desperately felt during those winter months and still occasionally feel today.
1. I had one person tell me "Luann what ever you do keep filling your thought and minds with Jesus and sent me some cable channels of folks to listen to." I took heed to that advice while I was so alone and isolated during the winter months of last year. This was a great piece of advice.
2. I used Social media to connect with people when I was too tired to even think about moving. I created a blog which really helped. Many of my new friends are still my friends today (wink, wink!)
3. Moving your body when your body is too weak is hard to do. So I began moving with Leslie Samone's two mile walk. After my surgery I just shuffled back and forth for 5 minutes. Anything to keep moving some. Today I am walking every morning up a huge hill at work for about two miles.
4. I have never been interested in journals but I began doing that which also helped.
5. Downloaded some marching music on my IPOD from the Boston Pops Orchestra which is how I get my body moving today.
6. I have been on Femara for one week and am ok. Now this is a real praise! My new oncologist said that when they list the side effects for the Aromatise Inhibitors they are listed by women who have completed chemo therapy. So in truth they do not know if the side effects were caused by chemo or by the drug. Since I had side effects from the chemo i.e. bone aches, hot flashes, a bit of moodiness nothing has changed since I took the drug.
After I made my list of the truth of my situation I am reminded that God is for me and his Grace is enough. So although I am apprehensive about today, I look back on the truth and know that what ever today brings I will be ok.
Have you made your list today of the positive truth in your life?
Running the race with renewed strength! Luann
They had a link to Dr Joe Himle who is an associate professor for Psychiatry at the University of Michigan who was talking about Cognitive Therapy.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbit.ly%2FHimle&h=8c0c1
I thought maybe he has something to say for me today so I don't ordinarily take the time to listen but I did this morning. I am glad I did. As he was talking about cognitive therapy this really struck me today. He said that cognitive therapy is not the power of positive thinking but it is telling yourself the truth about the positive things in your life. Depression has a hard time hitting a moving target and most often hits the stationary target. Wow!! I never thought about depression like that!
So in the midst of this uncertainty today I am reminded of how God kept me moving. And according to his word he is not going to leave me or forsake me. These were the things that are the truth for me today.
This is what God allowed me to do to keep moving over the first year and combat the loneliness I so desperately felt during those winter months and still occasionally feel today.
1. I had one person tell me "Luann what ever you do keep filling your thought and minds with Jesus and sent me some cable channels of folks to listen to." I took heed to that advice while I was so alone and isolated during the winter months of last year. This was a great piece of advice.
2. I used Social media to connect with people when I was too tired to even think about moving. I created a blog which really helped. Many of my new friends are still my friends today (wink, wink!)
3. Moving your body when your body is too weak is hard to do. So I began moving with Leslie Samone's two mile walk. After my surgery I just shuffled back and forth for 5 minutes. Anything to keep moving some. Today I am walking every morning up a huge hill at work for about two miles.
4. I have never been interested in journals but I began doing that which also helped.
5. Downloaded some marching music on my IPOD from the Boston Pops Orchestra which is how I get my body moving today.
6. I have been on Femara for one week and am ok. Now this is a real praise! My new oncologist said that when they list the side effects for the Aromatise Inhibitors they are listed by women who have completed chemo therapy. So in truth they do not know if the side effects were caused by chemo or by the drug. Since I had side effects from the chemo i.e. bone aches, hot flashes, a bit of moodiness nothing has changed since I took the drug.
After I made my list of the truth of my situation I am reminded that God is for me and his Grace is enough. So although I am apprehensive about today, I look back on the truth and know that what ever today brings I will be ok.
Have you made your list today of the positive truth in your life?
Running the race with renewed strength! Luann
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Fog
I took this photo from my front porch yesterday. For a moment the hot summer's day had a collision with a brief but desperate needed rain. Fog rose up from nowhere and hovered the mountain I knew so well. The fog covered the mountain like a blanket of snow which gave the illusion there was no mountain. However the magnificent call of nature could not be denied just because there was fog covering it.
Reflecting over my life the past two weeks were filled with magnificent fun, family, laughter, and a vacation in the splendor of the Smokey Mountains. However slowly a "fog" began to cover my topsy turvey reality of a year with Breast Cancer.
I was asked what I would write about now that my treatment was officially done and I was NED (No Evidence of Disease). I knew one thing for sure, I really didn't want to think about cancer any more. I reasoned if I kept dwelling on this cancer thing it would never go away. My writing (blogging) about my experiences intertwined with the cancer story was something I wanted to escape from never to come back!
It didn't take long for my utopia to be crushed. Friday I went to work after two weeks of vacation. It took less than 8 hours to have my precious energy that was restored be sucked out of me. This is impossible I thought. I have been on vacation almost two weeks and my energy was great. OH that precious energy that we all depend on to keep us going was gone once again.
I encountered an utter mess at work. Our business unit was up for sale again and a nagging uncertainty crept within me. Oh the mind can present itself in a state of lies when you are tired. "Luann, once this business sold you will not have a job. Let's face it, you are just over head. Besides look at your energy. You go on vacation 2 weeks and in one day it is gone. You don't have the energy to keep on top of your game." Everything I knew as "normal" was now gone. My personal life and now my job. I am trying so hard to get thing back to normal but it is just not working.
Today is Sunday. My husband is sick with the flu, my glands are swollen and I am afraid I am going to catch the flu also. I am tired and did not make it to church. Still, in spite of me God still had plans in working this whole thing out. I listed to a preacher from my daughters church Elevation in Charlotte, NC.
He talked about getting paralyzed by past pain which makes us stuck and we can't move forward. We ask ourselves "why" and God "why" which is OK. In fact, Jesus on the cross asked the Father in heaven "Why." The thing is Jesus didn't stay on the cross as he had a purpose for you and me. The preacher went on to say that even though we ask why, we really don't want to know all of the details of "why" but what we are saying is we wish this had not happened to us.
That was it. My reality was I wished Breast Cancer had not happened to me. Although through my journey I learned a great deal which I would not change, I still wish cancer had not happened. I thought if I denied it would go away. Quit writing, quit telling my story and it will all go away. Then I read my dear friend Marie's blog. "http://beyondbreastcancer.wordpress.com/2010/07/11/diana-raab/
I learned that denial is common with many cancer survivors and even the strongest may struggle with this. It was very comforting to know I was not alone.
However, I can't stay in denial because I do have a purpose that can only be done by me. There has been allot of tears shed today but the fog is going away. I am a beautiful creation still being perfected by a God who loves me and yes I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer which forever a part of me. The fog is going away!
Blessings to you today. We have to keep Running the Race before us. No one else can do the race like we can! Luann
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