June 23, I write in my journal. "I saw Dr. M. yesterday. His behavior was not any different than it was before I just don't think he is on top of his game any more as he boosts that he has 30 years of experience. When I arrived for the appointment 15 minutes early which is protocol for every visit, I asked if I was receiving blood work. "No the receptionist replied no blood work was ordered." After waiting in the waiting room 15 minutes I was ushered back to the second waiting room for 10 more minutes and finally ended up in Dr. M's examination room where I waited one hour. (This has become the norm for his office as he only sees patients 2 days in the week.)
Finally he came in and asked me how I was doing. I immediately told him "I don't know no blood work was ordered." "Well we will get some before you leave."
"So are you going to do Arimidex?" "No in my last visit you gave me the list of drugs and told me to research and we would discuss in this visit. I think Femara might be better."
I went on to say that I have been reading about all of my drug choices and they all have awful side effects, however I think this is the lesser of all the evils of these drugs. Anyway I read with this drug and you are suppose to take calcium with it. I have a concern about my bones." He said "You don't need to take calcium with this. Is osteoporosis in your family?" "No" I replied "Well then you don't need calcium." Not believing that I asked well "How about a bone density test? Do I need that so we can get a baseline?" "How long ago did you have one." "Over 10 years ago." "Ok we will order this test." (He never entered that into my chart so it was not ordered)
I went on to say "I heard there is a blood test which can show if the cancer is present in my system." "Yes but it is only 50% accurate but yes we can do it."
Gary asked him "When could we say that I was cancer free?" He quickly replied "Never with Breast Cancer. I will not even say you are in remission."
This was not true as I asked this same question which was a question recommended by the Amercian Cancer Socitey in my first visit with him (and I still have the notes from that visit) He said that I was in remission since there is was no evidence of the cancer in my system after the surgery and there was no activity in my lymph nodes.
He went on to say "Herceptin for a year is the biggest bang for your buck. (I have had 6 months worth) More than chemo and certainly more than radiation because with radiation we don't know who it will work on and who it won't." "Well than why did I do chemo? Because the Herceptin works better with it." I thought "Well how much better? Then again it didn't matter because that was done. Opps just a small point he left out.
I really wanted to get to the bottom line of us working together. "Dr. M I am not sure you and I are a good fit. Your style is very paternalistic. My father treated me the same way. "My way or the highway with little discussion about anything. He did not care how I felt." "Well I suppose you are right, I am the doctor and have been doing this for 30 years. I know what my patients need." "Yes you may but you don't know who Luann is." He didn't say anything. I left his office discouraged and defeated.
Even after this discouraging conversation with the doctor I was afraid to finally say this was enough. As in any relationship it is a two way street. There has to be communicating and understanding. There use to be a post in Good Housekeeping I think called "Can this Marriage be Saved?" Really if you think about it the relationship with the doctor is based on trust and respect. I don't have that anymore.
Now I am asking myself what did I do to contribute to this? In hind site, out of anger and fear of this cancer my back up style turned into an attack mode. The more research I gathered, the more I challenged the status quo. I could not count on him to be up to date on everything that was going on with my type of breast cancer. Maybe it was the way I approached him with my know it all attitude? Possibly. I did write down questions every time. It seemed that the more questions I asked the more defensive he got.
Still there is an emptiness in me. Even though the relationship was adversary it was the "normal" that I knew. Now I have to start all over with a new oncologist. I don't want to make the same mistakes so I am asking you how would you begin again with my new oncologist on July 12th?
A bit discouraged but still Running the Race. Luann
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Lions and Tigers and Bears OH MY!
Growing up, Thanksgiving Day in our house was full of excitement, chaos, fun, laughter, loud conversations, as we crammed 7 kids, a mom and dad, cousins, grand parents into a house that might have been 1800 SQ feet including the basement in Livonia, Michigan. One time I even remember the turkey catching on fire as we had to wait for the Lions Football Game to finish before we could gather together to give thanks around the meal that my mom prepared. But the best part of the evening was when everyone gathered around our Magnavox TV with a screen that I think was about 23inches to watch The Wizard of Oz.
In her dreams Dorothy finds herself in the beautiful Land of OZ after she gets hit on her head and knocked unconscious with a window during a violent tornado in Kansas. She meets some friends along the way who partner with her to help her get to the Emerald City where a great and powerful Wizard has the answer to get her back home to her beloved Kansas. The Lion, Scare Crow, Tin Man and Dorthy encounter all kinds of obstacles that almost paralyze them into thinking they will not make it to the city as they walk through the dark cold forest. They are sure they are going to encounter "Lions and Tigers and Bears but they keep pushing forward as they know they must reach their goal to meet this mysterious wizard.
Like Dorothy, 10 months ago I got hit on the head with a window - well it was more like a brick as my tornado hit and knocked me out. It almost seems like a dream. "You have breast cancer." Where is the Emerald City for me? The place where I will be safe. I want to go back home to my "normal world." Oh the "Lions and Tigers and Bears" that I keep encountering have stopped me in my feet once again. That yellow brick road to the emerald city is so long! Chemo, my hair falling out, trying to figure out what to eat because nothing tasted right, fatigue, loneliness, radiation.
I am trying to get back home Mr. Wizard. I want to feel normal again. I want to have my brain and energy back. Tuesday I will encounter another choice. Which Aromataise Inhibitor do I need? Is it Femara, Arimidex or Aromasin? The possible side effects? Hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, fatigue, depression, bone pain..the Lions, Tigers and Bears of "what if's" are plaguing me right now.
I know I will get that Emerald City someday. However, like Dorothy when she returned to her home, she had been changed inside so she was not the same Dorothy that left Kansas. She was appreciative of the things in life she once took for granted. Dorothy was in life, not just a by stander.
That is how I feel! I think sometimes we all encounter tornadoes in our life that turn our world around and upside down. We must keep pressing to get to that Emerald City. Things may not be the same as they were before we left home, perhaps they can be better.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation I shall fear no one!"
Running the Race with hope! Luann
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Graduation Day and Commencement Ceremony
I can remember my College Graduation Day like it was yesterday. The year was May of 1992. I am now 55 years old so if you do the math, you know I was no spring chicken when I graduated. You see, I was not your traditional student as I was almost 40 years old when I received my diploma. College actually took me 9 years to complete because I took one course at a time going to night school which was grueling. On top of that I worked full time and tried to be the best mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend I could be. At times I fell short but those are topics for another time. We lived over seas in Mannheim, Germany where I attended the University of Maryland - European division.
The rigorous course work was grueling at times as I tried to push through Accounting, Economics and a plethora of Business courses. The goal of the University was to do everything they could to prepare me, make me strong and make sure I was well rounded to to succeed in life. I must admit that there were many times I was ready to give up but my family and friends kept pushing me to keep going! Reaching into the depth of my soul with all of the strength that I had indeed I kept going.
We got the news that we were being transferred to Iwakuni Japan and I did not complete the paper work on time to be able to walk in the Commencement Ceremony in Germany. I was so disappointed that I paid my dues and was not able to celebrate with my fellow classmates on European soil. I was told I could participate on US soil but not with my classmates. I thought "I don't want to walk with people I don't even know and sank to the realization that my dream to celebrate would be unfilled.
That was not the case! My family and friends saw to it that I would graduate and have the party they thought I deserved so they created a ceremony and party for me. I wore the cap and gown of one of my friends children who was graduating High School as the colors were the same. I had a cake, presents and felt so very proud that I had finally after 9 years completed this lofty goal. Not in the traditional sense by any means but after all I am not what you would call a traditional individual.
You might ask what does graduation have to do with my recent cancer journey? There are actually alot of similarities. Instead of rigorous course work I had rigorous treatments of Chemo and Radiation.
Instead of professors, I had doctors. As a student I challenged the status quo quite often as I did not always accept what I was told. I was the annoying student who always sat in the front seat and attentively listened to what was being presented and was always raising my hand to ask why. I took copious notes. When something did not make sense, I would challenge the status quo asking why or why not and then conduct my own research to see which path I would accept. Sometimes I got an answer that made sense to me and accepted the professors reasoning, other times I did not.
As a patient I am sure I am perceived as annoying. I felt it was my job to take copious notes, always going to "class" with the doctor prepared and with questions I needed answers too. After all Doctors are human too. And yes I challenged the status quo as I began to be a student of learning the course work of cancer.
I think in this vast field of medicine and cancer things are constantly changing and we must be students of learning in this area. The goal of the doctor was to prepare my body to fight this awful invasion of cancer to my body and conquor this disease. However, the method of how we reached this goal did not go without questions.
"Why 6 sessions of chemo, why not 5,4 or 3? Why do I have to take pre-meds with chemo? Why do I have to do 6 weeks of radiation? Why not an accelerated course of 4 or 3 weeks?" Now that was a good question because we were able to cut the 6 weeks to 4 by accelerating the process which brings me to yesterday. Just like getting my degree many times I felt like quiting. My body screamed "Please not another invasion, not another drug! But my family and friends keep pushing me to keep going saying it will be worth it! You must finish!
Yesterday, as I laid on the cold, hard radiation table for the last time I repeated in my mind the same prayer I had through out radiation and chemo course.
"Lord protect what needs to be protected and destroy what needs to be destroyed"
As this was uttered one more time something was different occurred. The invisible beam came on and penetrated my body one more time I could hear the weak but strong buzz of the ray. Then silence. It was finished. I felt God touch my heart to gently say...
"Luann this is done."
The lights came on in the room and I felt an incredible peace that now I could move on. Indeed I had graduated. This part of the journey was done. Moving onto "Graduate School" the course work will be maintenance drugs, follow ups and learning to be in life again. Not sure how this will totally play out, but I ask you who of us really knows that for sure?
"I am done with radiation!" The commencement ceremony was simple. I changed my radiation gown for my street clothes and retired this gown to the trash can!
Talk about celebration! Here is the celebration box that my blogging sister Kim sent me to celebrate the passing of the course work and Graduating! You can follow Kim at Http://kim-living4today.blogspot.com. (Sorry I have still not learned how to insert a link) A huge thank you for this surprise Kim! This was such a great idea!
One thing for sure..I will never be the same again!
Running the Race as a Graduate today. Luann
The rigorous course work was grueling at times as I tried to push through Accounting, Economics and a plethora of Business courses. The goal of the University was to do everything they could to prepare me, make me strong and make sure I was well rounded to to succeed in life. I must admit that there were many times I was ready to give up but my family and friends kept pushing me to keep going! Reaching into the depth of my soul with all of the strength that I had indeed I kept going.
We got the news that we were being transferred to Iwakuni Japan and I did not complete the paper work on time to be able to walk in the Commencement Ceremony in Germany. I was so disappointed that I paid my dues and was not able to celebrate with my fellow classmates on European soil. I was told I could participate on US soil but not with my classmates. I thought "I don't want to walk with people I don't even know and sank to the realization that my dream to celebrate would be unfilled.
That was not the case! My family and friends saw to it that I would graduate and have the party they thought I deserved so they created a ceremony and party for me. I wore the cap and gown of one of my friends children who was graduating High School as the colors were the same. I had a cake, presents and felt so very proud that I had finally after 9 years completed this lofty goal. Not in the traditional sense by any means but after all I am not what you would call a traditional individual.
You might ask what does graduation have to do with my recent cancer journey? There are actually alot of similarities. Instead of rigorous course work I had rigorous treatments of Chemo and Radiation.
Instead of professors, I had doctors. As a student I challenged the status quo quite often as I did not always accept what I was told. I was the annoying student who always sat in the front seat and attentively listened to what was being presented and was always raising my hand to ask why. I took copious notes. When something did not make sense, I would challenge the status quo asking why or why not and then conduct my own research to see which path I would accept. Sometimes I got an answer that made sense to me and accepted the professors reasoning, other times I did not.
As a patient I am sure I am perceived as annoying. I felt it was my job to take copious notes, always going to "class" with the doctor prepared and with questions I needed answers too. After all Doctors are human too. And yes I challenged the status quo as I began to be a student of learning the course work of cancer.
I think in this vast field of medicine and cancer things are constantly changing and we must be students of learning in this area. The goal of the doctor was to prepare my body to fight this awful invasion of cancer to my body and conquor this disease. However, the method of how we reached this goal did not go without questions.
"Why 6 sessions of chemo, why not 5,4 or 3? Why do I have to take pre-meds with chemo? Why do I have to do 6 weeks of radiation? Why not an accelerated course of 4 or 3 weeks?" Now that was a good question because we were able to cut the 6 weeks to 4 by accelerating the process which brings me to yesterday. Just like getting my degree many times I felt like quiting. My body screamed "Please not another invasion, not another drug! But my family and friends keep pushing me to keep going saying it will be worth it! You must finish!
Yesterday, as I laid on the cold, hard radiation table for the last time I repeated in my mind the same prayer I had through out radiation and chemo course.
"Lord protect what needs to be protected and destroy what needs to be destroyed"
As this was uttered one more time something was different occurred. The invisible beam came on and penetrated my body one more time I could hear the weak but strong buzz of the ray. Then silence. It was finished. I felt God touch my heart to gently say...
"Luann this is done."
The lights came on in the room and I felt an incredible peace that now I could move on. Indeed I had graduated. This part of the journey was done. Moving onto "Graduate School" the course work will be maintenance drugs, follow ups and learning to be in life again. Not sure how this will totally play out, but I ask you who of us really knows that for sure?
"I am done with radiation!" The commencement ceremony was simple. I changed my radiation gown for my street clothes and retired this gown to the trash can!
Talk about celebration! Here is the celebration box that my blogging sister Kim sent me to celebrate the passing of the course work and Graduating! You can follow Kim at Http://kim-living4today.blogspot.com. (Sorry I have still not learned how to insert a link) A huge thank you for this surprise Kim! This was such a great idea!
One thing for sure..I will never be the same again!
Running the Race as a Graduate today. Luann
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Going on a God Hunt!
When I was younger, I loved to sing. I can remember at the age of 4 standing at the front door window looking at myself singing my heart out to the whole neighborhood. Music has a way of making my soul happy.
The song "This is the Day" tells us this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The song indicates I have a choice to be happy and look for the little things that God is doing. Hence the title "God Hunt!"
Today is the only day we have if you think about it because tomorrow is promised to no one. This is true whether you have cancer or not. So I am reminded to do something with it today!
You see I have been quite fatigued and find myself having difficulty focusing which I guess is why I have been an absent blog writer for the last few weeks.
God Hunt #1
I can write! So for this 5:00 AM moment I feel like I have a brain so I will write. I am amazed by the mercies I have been afforded over the past weeks!
God Hunt #2
Radiation...I had a total of 20 to begin with. Then I learned that I only had 16. This week I will end radiation on Friday and do the happy dance! The reason for the 16 was to finish the initial treatment. The doctor was not sure I would make it through the 16 without being burned so did not schedule it. Upon examination she was amazed at the fact there was only a slight hint of pink on my breast. I think that has to do with A..prayer of protection, B..Radiation oil from the acupuncture doc for burning and C...Aloe Vera every day from the plant!
God Hunt #2
Relay for Life was amazing! Our plant raised over $2400 which was quite a bit over the original goal of $500! My soul was renewed as I decided to do the survivor walk with a precious lady in our plant who has Lung Cancer. As we walked around the circle of Mars Hill College the reminders of those who have gone on before us indicated by all of the white bags with candles in them was a reminder that life is precious and cancer is an ugly disease that needs to go away!
The End of The Race.. Marshall "Bags" Cancer!
God Hunt #4 - My daughter and her family came up to visit this weekend. The reality of cancer for me has been a year of not really seeing them mostly due to the treatment = low white counts, low red counts, and no energy.
Here is Taylor, Hope and Kennedy. We had a great time this weekend going to Fun Depot but before we played we needed to get the garden in the ground.
As I write this I am thankful for all the blessings I've been afforded! Wishing you a great week! Try going on a God Hunt this week and look for the unexpected things! Little things that show us God is alive and still interested in us!
Running the Race thankful that I have today! Luann
The song "This is the Day" tells us this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The song indicates I have a choice to be happy and look for the little things that God is doing. Hence the title "God Hunt!"
Today is the only day we have if you think about it because tomorrow is promised to no one. This is true whether you have cancer or not. So I am reminded to do something with it today!
You see I have been quite fatigued and find myself having difficulty focusing which I guess is why I have been an absent blog writer for the last few weeks.
God Hunt #1
I can write! So for this 5:00 AM moment I feel like I have a brain so I will write. I am amazed by the mercies I have been afforded over the past weeks!
God Hunt #2
Radiation...I had a total of 20 to begin with. Then I learned that I only had 16. This week I will end radiation on Friday and do the happy dance! The reason for the 16 was to finish the initial treatment. The doctor was not sure I would make it through the 16 without being burned so did not schedule it. Upon examination she was amazed at the fact there was only a slight hint of pink on my breast. I think that has to do with A..prayer of protection, B..Radiation oil from the acupuncture doc for burning and C...Aloe Vera every day from the plant!
God Hunt #2
Relay for Life was amazing! Our plant raised over $2400 which was quite a bit over the original goal of $500! My soul was renewed as I decided to do the survivor walk with a precious lady in our plant who has Lung Cancer. As we walked around the circle of Mars Hill College the reminders of those who have gone on before us indicated by all of the white bags with candles in them was a reminder that life is precious and cancer is an ugly disease that needs to go away!
The End of The Race.. Marshall "Bags" Cancer!
God Hunt #4 - My daughter and her family came up to visit this weekend. The reality of cancer for me has been a year of not really seeing them mostly due to the treatment = low white counts, low red counts, and no energy.
Here is Taylor, Hope and Kennedy. We had a great time this weekend going to Fun Depot but before we played we needed to get the garden in the ground.
As I write this I am thankful for all the blessings I've been afforded! Wishing you a great week! Try going on a God Hunt this week and look for the unexpected things! Little things that show us God is alive and still interested in us!
Running the Race thankful that I have today! Luann
Thursday, May 20, 2010
An Unexpected Surprise
Yesterday, I went in for Radiation treatment number 9 out of what I thought was 20. Entering the treatment room which has become second nature I was greeted by the technician. "Good morning how are you?" I asked "Good and you?" the technician replied. "Well I am doing well! So we are on number 9 out of 20 treatments?" He said "Well no that is not what I have ordered for you. You are only scheduled to have 16 treatments." I perked up even more "Hum, the doc originally told me I needed 15 accelerated treatments and 5 treatments of a boost." "Well you will have to talk with the Doctor about that."
As I laid on the cold table and prayed the prayer I pray every morning "Lord protect what needs to be protected and destroy what needs to be destroyed" I heard the now familiar sound of the click of the big white machine comes on and shoots out an invisible radiation beam to the Breast that once held the cancer tumor. At times feeling the heat I humbly ask for protection. Then thinking back on what the technician said and thought well I wasn't expecting to hear that today. That's an unexpected surprise!
I see the Doc this morning and will ask if this is true. Even if it does turn out that he was wrong I fully believe my main prayer on this journey is answered.
Another prayer I have been praying is that I do not get radiation burn which is common with the type of radiation I am having. Well at the start of the radiation,a dear co-worker gave me a huge Aloe Vera plant that has supplied me with all of the Aloe Vera I could need for a year of radiation for protection against a burn. And so far the area being radiated is only a light, light pink. Another unexpected surprise.
Yesterday one of our employees gave me a hand made mountain scarf from a little retired lady who makes these for people who have lost their hair (which I have and is now trying to grow back, which is an interesting topic for another time :). Another unexpected surprise.
Sometimes on this journey I get so tired. There are certainly peaks and valleys that I would have never thought possible in one life. Every once in awhile an unexpected surprise comes along which gives me a boost to keep running the race.
When I think about my God who gave us the greatest unexpected surprise of all, a love that never fails that just blows my socks away!
What unexpected surprises have you had recently?
Running the Race with gratitude in my heart today! Luann
As I laid on the cold table and prayed the prayer I pray every morning "Lord protect what needs to be protected and destroy what needs to be destroyed" I heard the now familiar sound of the click of the big white machine comes on and shoots out an invisible radiation beam to the Breast that once held the cancer tumor. At times feeling the heat I humbly ask for protection. Then thinking back on what the technician said and thought well I wasn't expecting to hear that today. That's an unexpected surprise!
I see the Doc this morning and will ask if this is true. Even if it does turn out that he was wrong I fully believe my main prayer on this journey is answered.
Another prayer I have been praying is that I do not get radiation burn which is common with the type of radiation I am having. Well at the start of the radiation,a dear co-worker gave me a huge Aloe Vera plant that has supplied me with all of the Aloe Vera I could need for a year of radiation for protection against a burn. And so far the area being radiated is only a light, light pink. Another unexpected surprise.
Yesterday one of our employees gave me a hand made mountain scarf from a little retired lady who makes these for people who have lost their hair (which I have and is now trying to grow back, which is an interesting topic for another time :). Another unexpected surprise.
Sometimes on this journey I get so tired. There are certainly peaks and valleys that I would have never thought possible in one life. Every once in awhile an unexpected surprise comes along which gives me a boost to keep running the race.
When I think about my God who gave us the greatest unexpected surprise of all, a love that never fails that just blows my socks away!
What unexpected surprises have you had recently?
Running the Race with gratitude in my heart today! Luann
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Time is Now for Cancer to Go!
Last Friday two gals that I worked with asked me what I thought about our plant participating in the Marshall Relay for Life. As we sat around the round table in my office I asked them to describe their vision for the event. "I can see a banner with our company name and lots of folks from the plant walking behind it, T-Shirts, you participating, and we need a dinner fund raiser to raise money for the event."
I replied "When is the event?" Matter of fact one gal answered "Next Friday" "Next Friday" I echoed. "Wow that is allot to achieve in a very short period of time!" Inside I was saying "we don't have enough time to get this organized to achieve this goal" but I bit my tongue and just listened. "We really want to do this Luann."
My mind paused for a moment. "They want me to "participate." I have not been able to see me participating at one of the cancer specific events because I don't want any special attention and maybe I don't want to be known as a survivor. After all, I didn't do anything "special" to earn this attention. I just got breast cancer. I ask you what did I do that any other person wouldn't do in my situation? The human spirit inside us all wants to survive. I am not special I thought.
I rejoined the conversation saying "I am not sure if I am going to be able to walk. I start radiation today..in fact I am leaving in a few minutes and don't know how I will feel. They excitedly replied "We will take care of everything Luann, don't you worry." Thus Relay for Life was ignited in our plant.
I always believed that there would come a time when God would lead me to publicly address the plant of 177 employees who had played such an important role in my journey. Now it was my time to give back.
Taking the opportunity to help launch this aggressive endeavour my co-workers initiated I prepared a PowerPoint presentation to educate our folks about cancer. There are many things about cancer that are out of our control, however there are are things we can do to help stamp out cancer!
Yes genetics plays a role in some kinds of cancer but we can control the fact that if we smoke we can quit, if we are couch potatoes, we can move the body more, if we are over weight we can loose weight, if we eat mostly junk, we can eat veggies and fruits, and if we love the sun we can use sunscreen. In the presentation, I put it all on the table with a picture of myself bald along with my story of negligence in keeping up with my mammogram. I made a choice to tell it all.
Yes my time was now. I began the presentation this morning by asking "Who knows someone in your family, relatives, friends who have cancer? Raise your hands. Challenging the group I said "Now look around the room, see how many people with their hand up in the air. Cancer has effected so many folks in this room."
"The Time is now for Cancer to Go." I gave it my all as I nervously talked about all different kinds of Cancer's because it isn't just breast cancer. As I shared the shocking statistics of all kinds of cancers there are, but more importantly challenged the group to think about a small change they could do to have a healthier life. We talked about preventive screening measures which by the way is the responsibility for both men and women to prevent cancer! I shared the fact that I skipped last year's mammogram because I was "too busy." and also admitted that I found the lump a few months before that but didn't do anything because I wanted to go on vacation and not have my family worry. I even thought "Well maybe it will go away!" We know that didn't happen.
The response of my engaged audience was amazing. After the presentation was done and the meeting was over, employee discussion was high with "Oh yea, I really need to do that." "Yep, I am 50 so it is time for that colonoscopy." I thought "If one employee gets a screening and prevents cancer then it will all be worth it for me." Flyer's on how to do a self breast exam disappeared from the table as employees became more educated on how to take care of their bodies.
Today I was blessed as once again I admit my God must increase, I must decrease. As I reflected back on Friday's conversation with my two co-workers and how I wanted to just say no, God had much more in mind! The table for Relay for Life looked beautiful. Lives were enriched because of two employees who said "Yes we can!"
So next Friday I will proudly be attending a Survivor Dinner before the event and I will walk the other survivors and plant. This is a milestone for me to let others contribute to me. Not something that is done naturally for me. Nevertheless I am humbled at how blessed I am today!
Humbly Running the Race, Luann
I replied "When is the event?" Matter of fact one gal answered "Next Friday" "Next Friday" I echoed. "Wow that is allot to achieve in a very short period of time!" Inside I was saying "we don't have enough time to get this organized to achieve this goal" but I bit my tongue and just listened. "We really want to do this Luann."
My mind paused for a moment. "They want me to "participate." I have not been able to see me participating at one of the cancer specific events because I don't want any special attention and maybe I don't want to be known as a survivor. After all, I didn't do anything "special" to earn this attention. I just got breast cancer. I ask you what did I do that any other person wouldn't do in my situation? The human spirit inside us all wants to survive. I am not special I thought.
I rejoined the conversation saying "I am not sure if I am going to be able to walk. I start radiation today..in fact I am leaving in a few minutes and don't know how I will feel. They excitedly replied "We will take care of everything Luann, don't you worry." Thus Relay for Life was ignited in our plant.
I always believed that there would come a time when God would lead me to publicly address the plant of 177 employees who had played such an important role in my journey. Now it was my time to give back.
Taking the opportunity to help launch this aggressive endeavour my co-workers initiated I prepared a PowerPoint presentation to educate our folks about cancer. There are many things about cancer that are out of our control, however there are are things we can do to help stamp out cancer!
Yes genetics plays a role in some kinds of cancer but we can control the fact that if we smoke we can quit, if we are couch potatoes, we can move the body more, if we are over weight we can loose weight, if we eat mostly junk, we can eat veggies and fruits, and if we love the sun we can use sunscreen. In the presentation, I put it all on the table with a picture of myself bald along with my story of negligence in keeping up with my mammogram. I made a choice to tell it all.
Yes my time was now. I began the presentation this morning by asking "Who knows someone in your family, relatives, friends who have cancer? Raise your hands. Challenging the group I said "Now look around the room, see how many people with their hand up in the air. Cancer has effected so many folks in this room."
"The Time is now for Cancer to Go." I gave it my all as I nervously talked about all different kinds of Cancer's because it isn't just breast cancer. As I shared the shocking statistics of all kinds of cancers there are, but more importantly challenged the group to think about a small change they could do to have a healthier life. We talked about preventive screening measures which by the way is the responsibility for both men and women to prevent cancer! I shared the fact that I skipped last year's mammogram because I was "too busy." and also admitted that I found the lump a few months before that but didn't do anything because I wanted to go on vacation and not have my family worry. I even thought "Well maybe it will go away!" We know that didn't happen.
The response of my engaged audience was amazing. After the presentation was done and the meeting was over, employee discussion was high with "Oh yea, I really need to do that." "Yep, I am 50 so it is time for that colonoscopy." I thought "If one employee gets a screening and prevents cancer then it will all be worth it for me." Flyer's on how to do a self breast exam disappeared from the table as employees became more educated on how to take care of their bodies.
Today I was blessed as once again I admit my God must increase, I must decrease. As I reflected back on Friday's conversation with my two co-workers and how I wanted to just say no, God had much more in mind! The table for Relay for Life looked beautiful. Lives were enriched because of two employees who said "Yes we can!"
So next Friday I will proudly be attending a Survivor Dinner before the event and I will walk the other survivors and plant. This is a milestone for me to let others contribute to me. Not something that is done naturally for me. Nevertheless I am humbled at how blessed I am today!
Humbly Running the Race, Luann
Saturday, May 8, 2010
"I am honored to have this tatoo"
The other night I was eating dinner with a friend when a text message popped up on my cell phone from my son Mike. I looked at the picture on the phone and showed my friend. "What is it?" She looked at it and said "I don't know." "Looks like a skull." she replied. Then I read the caption "Just wanted to fore warn you what I did. That is Asher's CT scan I had tattooed." I have to admit I was shocked at the size and the fact that he got the tattoo. The text conversation continued "Had you thought about it long? Mike replied "Yes I always wanted a tattoo but wanted it to be meaningful."Did it hurt?" "No not bad. It is on the outside of my arm. I feel good about it cause it is my little boy and he went through alot and I feel honored to wear it." Asher is almost 2 and had skull reconstruction through the mos of December - February this year.
Asher and his Dad Mike
Asher with his mom Jenny (The size of the photo is due to the down load. Jenny is a woman with huge courage and stamina!)
Asher has a hat too!
Asher today..
Flashbacks of being tattooed for radiation last week haunt my mind. I am beginning to be OK with it. I did not choose my tatoo but I do have a sense of achievement in the meaning of it as I continue to walk though both the peeks and valleys of this journey that we didn't choose, never giving up hope that the treatments are worth it to live.
Just as Asher fought for his little life, I too fight for mine. I am reminded of the Tattoo that is in my heart of a kind and gentle Lord who paid a big price for me by his death on the cross and Resurrection into life so that I can live! I am continually in awe of how provisions have been made for me over and over and how has taken care of me every step of the way. For this I am grateful!
PS I received my first radiation treatment yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated! I will be doing acupuncture with it to help with the fatigue that is a bit of a problem for me. Still I am free!
Free to Run..
Still I am Free to Run the Race Luann
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